Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Fuck The Kiss Army

"Kurt Cobain—no, that's one or two records, that's not enough. Amy Winehouse—that's one or two records, that's not enough. What, just 'cause you died that makes you an icon? No, no."

That's a quote from Chaim Weitz...a no talent schlock master, a perennial suckwad.. and the only person on earth with more ego and worse hair than Donald Trump. His "act" (certainly not a band) Kiss was just inducted into the 2014 class of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I couldn't be more crushed, not because those ridiculous brain dead, nacho eating, acid washed jeans- wearing, knuckle dragging lowest common denominator tool and dye guys called the Kiss Army voted them in this year.....But because they'll be inducted on the same night as a game changing, legendary band like Nirvana.

See the above quote again. This act is a product, a sham, a revolving door replaceable- membered caricature of itself existing only for product placement(get your Kiss tampons, here ladies!!.Comes with the same blood packets Chaim uses on stage!!!) and background music at back alley strip joints and bowling leagues. For Chaim Simmons to open his mouth to even have the Schwetty balls to mock Nirvana as not worthy(did the same with Foo Fighters)..is pathetic heresy..and should be punishable by having him stick that pointed tongue of his right up his own quivering, pouting, almost geriatric asshole an hour after catered burritos at a Kiss show on a hot July day. Right after he takes his squirrel wig off.

This is manufactured group that stole Alice Cooper's entire act,   gave us 2 and a half chords per song and prize winning lyrical content like "Lick it up, Lick it Up...Oh, Oh, Oh,"....and who could forget their earth shattering endeavors like "Music From the Elder, "God gave Rock and Roll to You" and Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park..a movie even Ed Wood would laugh at. Speaking of laughs..if you want a few..check out Stanley(Paul) Eisen's classic phoned in stage banter HERE: https://soundcloud.com/christopher-armes/45-minutes-of-paul-stanley

They've had more members than both the Polyphonic Spree and/or the Vienna Boys Choir and claim that once Chaim and Stanley get too old, even they will replace their characters with new members, finally becoming the first act to become a tribute act of themselves.

You wanted the best, you got the best, Rock Hall of Fame! Deep Purple, Yes, Thin Lizzy, King Crimson, The New York Dolls, The Runaways, Devo, Motorhead, and Iron Maiden thank you.


Saturday, December 14, 2013

The 10 Best Albums of 2013 (using the word BEST so more people will link to this) (more like the 10 Most Tolerable)

For most of the year, as with every other year the grumpiness that rained down on my already wet head was caused by the musical distaste in my mouth. This taste was akin to a curdled milk sandwich on a hot day after ten beers. A real yumfest. I could not shake the displacement between me and most of the critics out there. I've read a bunch of year end best of lists...and I'm stunned into either silence or rumbly guffaws from the couch. Eh. I shouldn't be surprised. It is revolting and sad that the bulk of these alleged tastemakers get their opinions to stick..ripe and rote for the people who want to dance more than they want to listen, and for those who habitually compare their personal misogynist goody bags with those of the fool- aid drinking Yeezus sect.The critics are getting younger every year, and feel inclined to bring along assloads of entitlement and disdain for the so called dinosaurs. These hipster pundits are so young that they don't even notice the blatant derivative dreck dredged up and spat out from oft- lauded bands like Vampire Weekend and Parquet Courts and Savages and Best Coast and on and on. And yet the blogosphere is abuzz.,like a bunch of blind bees in a dead field.  The gap between mainstream media hype and real talent gets wider every year. And though I continue to give myself a break and try out a few musical pur..suits every year and the end result always seems to look like a big man in a little shirt. It don't fit. And it feels like shit.

I like what I like. I've never subscribed to anything "best". Its a beat up, empty, bargain bin word. These are merely suggestions that ain't any better than anyone else's out there on the internets or in dead tree media. But they're mine. They got the most spins in my household. I didn't need to multitask while listening to them.
What a shock. When's the last time you "listened to music". I mean, just sat down and listened with no distractions, no miles to run, laundry to fold, car to pass, When did music stop earning your undivided attention like fucking Homeland or The Voice????
May these humble choices inspire you to do something other than fill yourself with faux empowerment, dance like everyone's looking and jack yourself off by taking a mental tally of your accoutrements.

#10) The Next Day- David Bowie
#9) Whales and Leeches- Red Fang
#8) Ultraviolet-Kylesa
#7) Southeastern-Jason Isbell
#6) Ready to Die- The Stooges
#5) Ghost on Ghost- Iron and Wine
#4) The Bronx IV- The Bronx
#3) Black Pudding- Mark Lanegan and Duke Garwood
#2) The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight The More I Love You-Neko Case
#1) Earth Rocker-Clutch

H.M.- Civil Disobedience For Losers-Indian Handcrafts
          Moistboyz 5-Moistboyz

Biggest Disappointments after MANY listens:

1) Like Clockwork-QOTSA- would've, could've should've but didn't.
2) 13- Black Sabbath. Meh. Lots of living and dying lyrics, horrible drum production.
3) Amok-Atoms for Peace- How about a song one of these years, Thom?

Would rather be curbstomped after being caned than to ever have to listen to again:

1) Days are Gone- Haim-
2) Yeezus-_____ _____
3) Modern Vampires of the City-Vampire Weekend
4) Mechanical Bull- Kings of Leon
5) Trouble Will Find Me- The National
6) The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here-Alice in Chains
7) Silence Yourself-Savages
8) Light Up Gold-Parquet Courts
9) The 20/20 Experience- J. Timberlake.....Take off that stupid hat.