Dear Santa

Dearest S. Claus,

I've been marginally good this year...my road rage levels are way down, I completed almost 71% of my household responsibilities thoroughly and on time, I called my wife every day while I was on tour(even if she didn't want to hear word one from me), I have only used TV as a babysitter maybe 8-10 times in the last six months, I bought 11 of the 172 albums I downloaded (LOL, RIAA!), I have a pair of underwear for every day of the week and I have successfully traded years of being a phobic hypochondriac for a future in curmudgeonry.

I'm too big to sit on your lap and the mall cops would have me tasered in front of the house frau photo elves..so I send you my wishlist from home.

1) I would like the power to disintegrate with hot eye lasers and puke grenades any uninteresting and questionably famous person.

2 I wish for 5 minutes with Jay-Z to tell him to stop fellating himself and give his wife a break from performing at awards shows.

3) I would like to buy a concert ticket in 2010 with less than 20 dollars in surcharges.

4) I wish for a ban on indie bands with wildlife, livestock, or woodland creatures somewhere in their name..Deer Tick, Deer Hoof, Antlers, We are Wolves, Grizzly Bear, Wolf Parade, Minus the Bear, Dept. of Eagles, Band of Horses,Panda Bear,The Mountain Goats, Lambchop.....

5) I want less expensive denim and more expensive flannel.

6) I want to write the great American novel after 10 years of work and then switch to writing movie blurbs and ghostwriting tweets for the chronically uninspired.

7) I want a speed metal offering from Jack Johnson and an acoustic folk offering from Tom Arraya.

8) I want Iggy Pop's workout video. I know there isn't one out there, but if I could just bust a quarter of his moves every day for 15 to 20 minutes I might be able to fit into those skinny jeans that all of the kids are wearing.
9) I want a Lou Reed Smile, a Billy Corgan wig, a Brann Dailor waltz beat, a Dave Grohl permanent drum seat, a Gene Simmons drive- by, an Adam Lambert chlamydia infestation, a Ryan Seacrest-Adam Lambert secret glory hole video, a Robert Plant come- to- papa moment, a Lester Bangs renaissance, a Black Eyed peas Bus Crash where Fergie pops an implant and Will I Am's Adams apple is crushed, I dont care if it hurts, I wanna have control, I wanna perfect body, I wanna perfect soul.......

10)  I want War is Over If We Want It............izzat too much to ask?

P.S.  I want a get out of Land of Misfit Toys for free card if you can swing it, Sir Kringle..I'd gladly take over a hungover elf's hours in exchange.. thanks  Seano

Who Spiked The Eggnog Before The Interview

Lou loves a good Company Xmas Party ..looks like the folks at Main Man dropped a few Mandrax under the Mistletoe, and before he leaned in to tongue kiss the Thin White Duke, he found 'em.



"Iggy, that was Bolivian Marching Powder on those doughnut holes shaped like snow men, not powdered sugar ! They're waiting for you on the interview set. Where's your shirt? Did you just cut yourself with the fruitcake knife? Does anybody have a paper towel?"



"David,  the bennies were right next to the holiday Jelly Bellies..hope you didn't mix them up. Mr. Cavett is waiting..now here's your cane....no not the snorting kind...get out on the stage! Your hair looks Purp..er, perfect."


Ahh...the Xmas party that never was......let's be careful out there everyone. No Kris Kringle keg stands, tinsel covered toots in the corporate bathroom stall, Jingle Bell Jager bombs with the decades younger secretaries, or Karaoke on crank this season.  Just say no to the eggnog. Its usually always spiked. 


I am merely poking fun, since these three fine gentlemen are good, clean and wealthy 30 years later...but now using canes, walkers or golf carts for their morning stroll around their summer estates.

Happy Holidays to Main Man's main men.......

Remember

Remembering.........

The Archive

In my opinion, music news is slow near the end of the year. There are painful Grammy Nominations to spray with verbal bullets, There is Bob Dylan's new Xmas album to decimate, and every day Lady Gaga's attempt via costume to hide her butterface get more grandiose and forced...but why bother going into depth with the obvious?
Even though I'm not really a music news blogger, I do my best to cherry pick the best bits and spit out the pits. But I think I'm just going to have fun and dig deep to find items that fulfill my fancy until I do my best and worst of 2009 lists in a week or so.

Today I found a snippet of a film called The Archive, by Sean Dunne about a man in Pittsburgh who claims to have the world's largest record collection. Here's a 4 minute clip. This makes me want to go get that stylus that I've needed for 16 years, and maybe back away from the Ipod a little.

Couldn't we all chip in, set up a Pay Pal account in his name and buy this sucker? We could empty out a Best Buy near one of our homes and keep it there. We could charge all of people a dollar and a half just to see 'em. And for an extra 50 cents, anyone 21 or under gets to actually hold an LP..maybe get their picture taken with it.

Facial Hair Apparent: Great Rock Beards

I've seen all good people turn their heads and say I'm too la/zy to shave today....Well...Its time for my annual "lets try to grow a beard again" contest with myself. I'm incapable of growing a full beard. It never fills in, and I end up looking like I'm sporting a spotty clump of spaced- out goat hairs or one of those Hollywood glue and go beards. I'm practically hairless except for my head. In coming to terms with my masculinity, I always felt shorted..follically challenged on the chin except for a flavor saver that looks like a wire brush. But every year I give it a go. The longest I've gone without a shave is around 36 days. Right now I'm right around 18 days...so I've decided that I'm going razor free until 10,000 visits get tallied here, or until I buy the next volume of Now That's What I Call Music...whatever comes first. I'll post pics of my progress for you to hurl insults at.

I've always admired a good beard on a musician, who usually goes beard free. It shakes things up a bit, keeps the women at bay and gets a variety of foods stuck in a mustache that said musician doesn't know how to use or groom. Now when I say beard on a musician, I don't mean Elton John's short lived marriage in the 80s, I mean facial hair.

heres a picture list of cool rock beards (with no ZZTop allowed)

Doesn't Kim Thayil look like Osama?Poor guy, thats probably why we haven't seen him in years.  I wonder if Bob Weir gets alot of tofu stuck in his? Kerry King from Slayer looks like he could stab an unruly fan with his beard. I bet nobody has seen a pic of Mick with a beard unless it had a leg on each side of it. Trent Reznor looks like he's working a shaker at a Rainbow Gathering. Page and Plant look like Russian novelists. Jim M. looks like he just struck gold from the inside of a dumpster.

I think I'll go for Macca's look. But I'll need some black spray paint, testosterone pills and some freshly plucked back hair from a few Italian buddies of mine.

lets hear from you!