Today was just plain hard. I'm having a tough time of late settling back into a routine and being completely depleted of patience, and sometimes energy. I know there will be difficult times...times I just want to crush my fists against a wall and scream WHY!! Times I want to walk out the door and not come back until I can reach Meaghan somehow and plead for guidance, sanity.....hope.
She has been away from us for 3 weeks...My dear sister. Today I just broke down after seeing an elderly woman walking by herself on the street, hunched over with a light back of sundries from Rite Aid. My sister never got to be elderly....she never got to be middle aged....she just evaporated into our dreams and memories and is somewhere above us yearning for contact...watching and waiting. Screaming out and hoping we can hear her....just a whisper of confidence during a lull in one of our darkest days...she could just whisper and I would be all right. Just make a cloud cluster part and shine orange light through my window...give me a sign that your son and daughter will be OK without their Mommy. Put my mind at ease for just 5 minutes a day.
So much change is coming. I need to fight the sadness properly. She wants me not to dwell on it, I can feel that. Why can't I just cross over for just one hour to talk to her one last time....I know she heard me in the Hospice...I need to hear her now. Somehow....
Well, now you've done it. The screen is all blurry.
ReplyDelete