For a while today, I felt the dark pangs of the big "D" coming on. Depression. Its been my neighborhood bully no matter what neighborhood I live in. Its a massive time waster. An alien who sucks your thoughts away from you and spits them back in your face. It comes and goes. My wife says I always have it, and she thinks its a bit of a crutch, an excuse to not conform and not perform. she's partially right. Fortunately for her and my almost six month old...they did not know me when.
For months at a time during two long periods in my life. I was crushed to blood,bone and dust by depression. First in 1993-1994, and then an even longer run from 1998-2001. Brutal times.Overwhelmed by loneliness and betrayal, confined to self hatred. Both periods in which I danced with the big D demons were fueled by massive heartbreaks. World crushing, nothing else matters, drink until you forget heartbreaks. I lashed out at friends I thought had done me wrong..I took sides and took names and spun out of control with anger and loss. After the time that it took to get over the heartbreaks in both occurrences something even worse resided in me. I would call it nothingness.....I literally would feel nothing. Just go about my days forcing myself to work and survive floating just above unconsciousness...then retire to my room and write and cry and drink and curse every action I ever took. I would feverishly , then aimlessly retrace my steps and thoughts to find a cause for the dark bullshit things that had happened to me. I would waste large chunks of time dwelling on the past...from the depths came a creative spurt of angry songwriting once in a while, and then just anger. With its dastardly grip.
Anger is a tricky, nasty side effect of depression. Some would say they are the same thing.My anger led to finding something wrong with every decision I had to make ,from what degree program to follow in school, to what band to join, to what person to avoid. I was on many drugs until I found a "good one" that allowed me to actually leave my room, have conversations, face fears and repair relationships. I found love, got married...but the anger never really went away despite coming so far......Today what set it off was frustration. Frustrated with a lack of direction, lack of career, lack of time management, lack of adequate income, lack of balance, lack of a connection with the city I live in...I could go on and on, but that is the problem, isn't it.
I wonder when I'm going to make it stop and what I'm going to do about it. Like I always do.......
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Today, my almost six month old son gets his second round of shots. Polio, rubella, measles and the like. The doctors tell you well in advance that it hurts. The kid will scream. I am going because my wife no likey the needles. I have had to prepare, accompany and hold the hand of my wife when she has to get a shot many times and it will be a job of mine throughout our lives together. Its not fun..... she cries, shakes, hyperventilates and swears like a tourette's victim. Today, my son will scream for a little while, suck on a bottle, maybe run a bit of a fever and sleep it off. I wonder if my son has any fears yet? When they develop and why? Today he will likely forget as soon as he wakes up. I wish wifey could do that...
Posted by Seano at 12:28 PM