Saturday, August 03, 2013

I know a man

I know a man who's family dynamic broke apart not once,twice but three times in his life. Mother leaves because she's a selfish distraught lesbian who couldn't take being a mom or a wife anymore, abandons her pre teen son and has a restraining order placed on her own daughter. Years later she turns into a broken down grandmother who never sees or contacts her own grandchildren,who makes promises , obliterates those promises and becomes a fucking pariah who wouldn't even know her own grandson if he was standing in front of her while she smoked her 20th cigarette of the day , skin leathery and loose from all of that time in the Florida sun wandering codependent and aimless.

Beloved sister dies, a best friend, a replacement matriarch for the absent mother. Instead of every family and friend member that remains forming a bond full of love and honor and remembrance, they split, un amicably and end up incommunicado, avoiding any sort of conflict or discussion . The children left behind don't even know each other as cousins, friends or anything resembling a normal family relationship. The miles,combined with fear and bitterness ad up to a fading photograph of a long gone era, that ended a mere 5 years ago.

Man marries the wrong person, they make each other miserable, they have monumental differences that lead to betrayal and abuse. Their only child is in the middle of an ebb and flow of a horrible situation which at times borders on alienation. The verbal abuse of the man continues, and he is helpless to do anything about it because lawyers can only help if you pay them, which the man cannot do. Man has been awarded something but will never collect on said judgement and even if he does, his life will be made even more miserable by the anger of the aftermath. Man chooses less misery, and chooses to let go of the energy it takes to fight, in order to conserve it for the energy it takes to be a single dad on the
low end of a pay scale, in a job with no benefits or paid vacation. Man has to fight to get by every single month. Man has no family, few friends, no partner in a city he feels trapped in for the next twelve years.

Man loses interest in the music and the written word which were once his foundations and ensconces himself in the glorification of self pity, depression and anger. Man is fully aware of the scale of the problem and has very little to complain about when there are people out there whose bodies are riddled with disease, are homeless, whose children have been lost to war, abuse, terrorism, addiction, etc.

But man sees no real..finite end in the endless cycle of fear,loss, anger in his life despite temporary pauses filled with hope and fleeting contentment.and devotes himself instead to the raising of his son, alone...with no family to help, no network to rely on, no money to burn. It has become his identity, his dominant reason for being, and sometimes his burden. The exhaustion causes the feeling of it being a burden from time to time, the exhaustion holds the lead and the chain.

Man knows the ex wife will read this and laugh and either use it against him or ignore it all together. Man is well versed in her etiquette of calling him a useless, selfish loser who doesn't groom, or a piece of shit who is a lousy father and half of a man. Man has been put through the motions of being spat on in public and slapped in front of his child. Man can take it.

Man wants to stay here on earth.
Man wants to be able to feel good for at least 24 hrs straight before his son is old enough for college and he can wander this earth looking for truth, looking for self. Parents lose most of that when bringing up children. Those who are partnered make time for the other parent to continue his or her search.
Man doesn't have this benefit. When he is not with his son, he works, wanders or wallows.

Man writes on this blog just to write. The anticipation of pity, glory, conversation or reciprocation is moot. The Internet is the ether. The feelings expressed are merely easier to find here than in a moleskine or composition book.

Man realizes how silly this all is.
Man realizes how stupid this all is.
Man realizes how serious this all is.
Man will forget this

1 comment:

  1. Please, don't take this the wrong way, but I like this post. I've followed your blog off and on for a little over a year now and have really enjoyed your writing style, although I've never commented.
    But, this one got to me. Besides it being very well written, it was real. And excruciating. I know those feelings well.
    Thank you for sharing and I hope it made you feel a little better to get it all out there.
    Keep your chin up.