what in the year 2000 wuz I thinking

I found this tonite...haven't seen it in 6 years...don't know "where " i was then besides residing in NYC..I thought I would post it to practice typing and induce head scratching everywhere else...I'm positive it was about a cornucopia of fabricated creations, since it makes fifteen percent sense.


YEAR

I methodically think back to an hour or two ago walking behind a thousand sweetnesses in a cradle of satin the crease of your jeans and the mad wet mystery inbetween. A fashion week ass and that above the bra line boob surge like an inner tube gone awry. All day long so lonely. tongue in a groove in a dream how electricity comes and goes from mad wattage to outage within ten city blocks. Anxiety wardrobes and dead calms. Mornings vs. friday nights in an amateur extreme fighting championship. Ken Shamrock of the AM vs. Mr. Gracie of the PM. Tao of the tai chi vs. brute force blood drain teeth flared ears hot ignite mans head is made of thunderstorm to drown the fire in the heart. And I don't walk as aimless anymore. I head for the early train catch a flick in my cube read some scribe in the dark fall under when the body tells me to. Ahh sleep so safe. No scab left to scrape. Phone numbers dwindle down to simple math. 2 plus 2. So simple and new. If I don't stay busy. The vultures pass on my open wounds, but on their way away, they let the robins know of the rich grey worm within the helmet of my head. It is only guarded when I'm switched on. Auto pilot makes me fair game for the scavengers. The driven. The winners. The gene pool lottery sinners...bitches click their heels.. witches make the deals, give you half a pass and show you how it feels..your'e just a human....victim of the InSane...isolation.....the sun may never disappear ...but the world may not have many years...isolation.

Saturblivion

Bonham was 32 when he passed, vodker did him in, it was total rock and roll, one tired and deadly sin from within...I sometimes hear his bass drum godly triplets as I high step the sidewalks stroller free, I know Bonham reincarnated could never be me......Have you ever listened to Kashmir in Yer headphones for the trillionth time? Its childish, epic and sublime. And when I drink I lean towards rhyme..classic rock crutches help me walk proud and distorted every time. Blog Captain Blog, on your mystery trip...riff equals gallop, beat equals skip. And Classic rock is my badge of courage, its my invisibility cloak, its my godsended weapon mjolnir, its everyone else's long running joke. We need arenas and religious parking lots where we begged forgiveness and rocked till we drop, we live vicarious legends via VH1, we windmilled and headbanged and plugged into fun..now all of this past tense is poison to those who live so pure....it makes sense to me to retrace my steps to this simple sonic cure......

Hermit the Blog

Couch surf comic awareness one headphone off baby coughs thom yorke soundtrack import hardcore stuporstar blog non bountiful since everything I say turns to gold when you're deaf....you can feel like this too and accomplish everything you've been told to do...fitter, happier golden hues of decadense...the year of living dangerously..living in cold code..pummeling fun into dust..here comes the son...love the son. struggle through barre chords and stumble through space..save white albums save face...you are my sunshine reflecting the puddles running out of my garage..life on the third floor first six months of a life laid out here framed in here unwound and wrapped in love and patience love and patience love and patience..on/off switch..love and sleep and lifting smiles from frantic teething...barely breathing to quiet yourself to hear his...rituals patience and love shape a life rituals patience and love shape a life. breathing life into yours is mine, your mothers and mine.

Touching Down

For a while today, I felt the dark pangs of the big "D" coming on. Depression. Its been my neighborhood bully no matter what neighborhood I live in. Its a massive time waster. An alien who sucks your thoughts away from you and spits them back in your face. It comes and goes. My wife says I always have it, and she thinks its a bit of a crutch, an excuse to not conform and not perform. she's partially right. Fortunately for her and my almost six month old...they did not know me when.
For months at a time during two long periods in my life. I was crushed to blood,bone and dust by depression. First in 1993-1994, and then an even longer run from 1998-2001. Brutal times.Overwhelmed by loneliness and betrayal, confined to self hatred. Both periods in which I danced with the big D demons were fueled by massive heartbreaks. World crushing, nothing else matters, drink until you forget heartbreaks. I lashed out at friends I thought had done me wrong..I took sides and took names and spun out of control with anger and loss. After the time that it took to get over the heartbreaks in both occurrences something even worse resided in me. I would call it nothingness.....I literally would feel nothing. Just go about my days forcing myself to work and survive floating just above unconsciousness...then retire to my room and write and cry and drink and curse every action I ever took. I would feverishly , then aimlessly retrace my steps and thoughts to find a cause for the dark bullshit things that had happened to me. I would waste large chunks of time dwelling on the past...from the depths came a creative spurt of angry songwriting once in a while, and then just anger. With its dastardly grip.
Anger is a tricky, nasty side effect of depression. Some would say they are the same thing.My anger led to finding something wrong with every decision I had to make ,from what degree program to follow in school, to what band to join, to what person to avoid. I was on many drugs until I found a "good one" that allowed me to actually leave my room, have conversations, face fears and repair relationships. I found love, got married...but the anger never really went away despite coming so far......Today what set it off was frustration. Frustrated with a lack of direction, lack of career, lack of time management, lack of adequate income, lack of balance, lack of a connection with the city I live in...I could go on and on, but that is the problem, isn't it.
I wonder when I'm going to make it stop and what I'm going to do about it. Like I always do.......

Hudson's Shots

Today, my almost six month old son gets his second round of shots. Polio, rubella, measles and the like. The doctors tell you well in advance that it hurts. The kid will scream. I am going because my wife no likey the needles. I have had to prepare, accompany and hold the hand of my wife when she has to get a shot many times and it will be a job of mine throughout our lives together. Its not fun..... she cries, shakes, hyperventilates and swears like a tourette's victim. Today, my son will scream for a little while, suck on a bottle, maybe run a bit of a fever and sleep it off. I wonder if my son has any fears yet? When they develop and why? Today he will likely forget as soon as he wakes up. I wish wifey could do that...