Ozzy, Geezer, Tony and Bill

Black Sabbath fooled nobody today..11/11/11 and announced a reunion, a new album and a tour starting in 2012. But if you listen to fools...the Mob Rules!!!!!.(yeah, I know..Dio- era quote). I'm fairly excited, even though the median age of the band hovers around 62 and despite hearing that Rick Rubin will produce the album. Rubin to me is the Barbara Walters of Rock. It seems a given that everyone in music throws themselves at him to him when they have a reunion or comeback, much like everyone goes to Baba Wawa in exclusive interviews. Rick, don't fix it, it was never broke. You may have to punch in a few Bill Ward drum takes , but that's it, OK. Don't stick your beard where it don't belong.

I have heard that rehearsals have been going on for a while now, and Tony Iommi has written a shitload of material, plucked from the endless riff filofax in his grey matter...and that's along with putting out his memoirs. It will be their first album of all new material since Never Say Die in 1978...Here are a couple official announcement on Youtube(no actual press conference footage, just a couple photos.)

And For my 600th Post, A Short, Half-Assed Review of the New Lou Reed/Metallica Album "Lulu"

I'm trying to like this. It's harder than I thought it would be. Fuck it, it's as impossible as passing a stone through staples.

 First of all. Just so you know, almost everyone I know, and probably everyone you know... loves Lou Reed in some capacity....Velvet Underground and Nico, Loaded, Transformer, The Bells, Berlin, Coney Island Baby, New York....all in the rock pantheon. So with that said......

If you give this one a shot, don't be a die hard Velvet Underground fan, don't be a Transformer fan, don't even be a Songs for Drella fan.  Be a Metal Machine Music or a ReLoad fan. A tone deaf, patient or medicated one.

You must know by now, if you are well schooled on Lou Reed, that Lou Reed doesn't give a shit about us, fans, critics, writers, bloggers, innocent bystanders, the guy that delivers Chinese to him and Laurie Anderson on a Friday night, pigeons, or anyone passing a disagreeable thought his way. He's the toughest interview in rock history, he's a curmudgeon's curmudgeon. The last time he smiled, it caused a quadruple rainbow and then a spike in worldwide births nine months later.

Quite simply, there's no need for this album in any capacity. THIS is the Metallica album they should have pumped through speakers in Afghanistan. Every terrorist would have ejected out of their ratholes instantly bawling their eyes out, laying down rifles and returning to their mountain side farms to raise cattle and garden for the rest of their lives.  I could only get through CD 1 and that's under the influence of a strong anti- biotic/percoset cocktail and a shitload of time on my hands.

This album fits sonically snug as an open mike through dual ear infections.

 It's the world's most expensive unorganized basement jam. The scenario probably went like this...Lou gets off the plane in San Francisco and is driven up in a limo to Metallica' studio in San Rafael. He stares out the window, dour faced and unfazed. Same flatlined expression through the rolling hills of wine country and the mesmerizing terrain of Marin, like it was raining piss on his best leather.  The boys have not received anything in advance and when Lou gets there and sets up, he pulls out some dog eared legal pad, spends five minutes waxing with James and Lars about some prostitute named Lulu then immediately rolls tape.

Poetry in general is tough to transfer to tape, especially a poetic narrative about German Expressionist Theater barked out in monotone.

Yeah, I know, monotone is Lou's thing. But here, he's croaking and gasping in compressed spurts trying to half howl some kind of a story over that horrible Ulrich crummy crutch of Cymbal/Snare stoccato over and over and over. he can't keep up, even with Lars' lack of tempo,..its all brash and bash and I'm lost and distracted and running for vicodin to drop in my iced tea.


The Lowlights include "Pumping Blood" a dreary half stomp of stutter and start, half demolished meter with my favorite lines of verse from the entire album

"Blood in the foyer
The bathroom
The tea room
The kitchen, with her knives splayed

I will swallow your sharpest cutter
Like a colored man's dick"

Another crushing blow is a "song" called  Cheat On Me. Its a 12 minute repetitive mess that plays out like some raspy old codger at a poetry slam, bleating out self deprecating verse next to a tunebox on a stool playing St. Anger with the treble up way too high.   "Why do I cheat On Me? Why do I piss my dreams.?"  Fail to clear throat. Repeat.

"Iced Honey" is really the only thing I could get through without grinding my teeth and keeling over. Its the only track that has a semblance of melody and a beat that matches the meter.

The combo of Lou's voice and James Hetfield's background growls of the unintelligible come and go like shrapnel to the temple. I don't know why they're there. And I don't care.  At one point he says..."I am the table" ??????  Makes me think he read Lou's chicken scratch wrong and they just kept it.

To summarize....No.   No means No.  An Iron Maiden would be more pleasurable....not the band, a real iron maiden.  Please don't let this pave the way for a Leonard Cohen/Slayer or Bobby McFerrin/Cannibal Corpse offering.


   Thank You and Goodnight.

Give It Up For the Black Keys' New one, "Lonely Boy"

Well, The Black Keys are just about to enter another mammoth album cycle, with the upcoming release "El Camino" on Dec. 6. Hoo! Fucking!  Rayy!   Frankly, I can't think of a band that's had a more stellar run in recent years, and if this album( even with its "highly anticipated" tag attached) lives up to the hype, it could very well give both Wilco's The Whole Love and Mastodon's The Hunter a good jostle in my annual end of the year Top 10. Shit makes me wanna dance without moving my legs, makes me wanna shimmy different than my usual delerium tremens.  Makes me wanna roll my nether-region in something freshly killed and rub up against you.

If there's anything better than the Black Keys that ever escaped from Akron, Ohio, I haven't seen it yet.

Scary F@*#*in" Songs 2011

Its that time of year again. Helloween. The smell of Autumn,  steamy cider, wet leaves on boots, molding pumpkins, older kids jacking younger kids candy.... angry 1 %-ers washing dried shaving cream off of their Bentleys.  Always makes me think dark. Dream darker. In astonishingly realistic horrific scenarios. Creeping thoughts that cling to the dead rush of fear. Like Hayrides where someone lights the hay on fire with all of the riders in it. Pulling up floorboards and seeing a writhing sea of ravenous rats. The new Coldplay album. You know what I mean.

Fortunately there is plenty of music out there with contributing artists unknowingly creating soundtracks to ugly dreams and maniacal thoughts that may not have even happened yet. I try to do this every year and, to my surprise, keep discovering a dubious dearth of dark. A video or the song, and a one sentence first thought upon hearing it will follow each

Here's a few.
1) A Shaving of the Horn that Speared You- Sunn-O



In the woods behind your house amidst a Sunday morning mist, seven hooded figures standing silent in between the pines, facing your patio.

2) Little One- Elliott Smith



In a dank, druggy windowless basement, within a halo of spoon and newsprint, a troubadour can't find his guitar sitting next to him.

3) Night Goat- Fantomas/Melvins Big Band




Someone has poisoned the Bulls and Goats in the barn and they have bashed through their wooden holds and are stomping the chickens trying to escape.

4) Cafe- Tim Buckley



Bluured out flashback of a disheveled lonely old crone through a thunderstorm soaked window as the apocalypse approaches.

5) Terror Tram- Buckethead( Death Cube K)



The only rider on a monorail through the seventh level of hell.

Got this from Buzzfeed

12 Extremely Disappointing Facts About Popular Music

• 1. Creed has sold more records in the US than Jimi Hendrix

  

• 2. Led Zeppelin, REM, and Depeche Mode have never had a number one single, Rihanna has 10

  

• 3. Ke$ha's “Tik-Tok” sold more copies than ANY Beatles single

  

• 4. Flo Rida's “Low” has sold 8 million copies – the same as The Beatles' “Hey Jude”

  

• 5. The Black Eyed Peas' “I Gotta Feeling” is more popular than any Elvis or Simon & Garfunkel song

  

• 6. Celine Dion's “Falling Into You” sold more copies than any Queen, Nirvana, or Bruce Springsteen record

  

• 7. Same with Shania Twain's “Come On Over”

  

• 8. Katy Perry holds the same record as Michael Jackson for most number one singles from an album

  

• 9. Barbra Streisand has sold more records (140 million) than Pearl Jam, Johnny Cash, and Tom Petty combined

  

• 10. People actually bought Billy Ray Cyrus' album “Some Gave All…” 20 million people. More than any Bob Marley album

  

• 11. The cast of “Glee” has had more songs chart than the Beatles

  

• 12. This guy exists.

  That is all.
  
  
  The world is full of shit and puke.
  
  We're all stepping in it .