Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Most Likely the Last Entry of 2006

It was the best year and worst year of my life in 2006. My son was born 2 or so weeks after my sister was diagnosed with cancer. Both of these happenings have changed me for good. I'm emotionally spent half of the time and feel like I'm reverting to someone I left behind years ago.I climbed out of one hole so I could dig another. As a grown man in his now late thirties, I often felt like I was 26 again and this was a Groundhog day "year" where I woke up and kept repeating bad habits, cursing my past and wondering why bad things kept happening to me. Yet I don't believe I'm cursed. I just feel like I'm treading water in the dark. I felt trapped in a city I have no real connection to for the second year in a row. The scenery is stellar but I've had my fill.It has not helped my fight against being born again motivated.And I feel tired every day.I felt helpless in my sister's fight and near a million miles away. I felt displaced and detached. But I sometimes don't think it would make a difference what city I was in. The masks I wear fit nicely anywhere. I'm a father now and I love the feeling of having had a part in creating another human being who can learn from me and exceed all expectations that I ever had for myself. My son brings me such joy. I learn from him as well. He has taught me to smile every day for no particular reason...My sister has taught me to take second looks, appreciate beyond my own ideals, and look for answers. My wife has been a constant giver, a patient partner and a great mother. Its almost as if she was born to do this. Always the multitasker, she has now taken it to levels beyond comprehension. I do not have her patience, I hope someday to reach her level. I'm bored with my baby steps, and ready for Hudson's.I'm ready to lay down my old tools for new ones that do not require hands to use. I'm ready for change in 2007. I really am.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous4:34 PM

    Please consider suicide.