Monday, December 29, 2008

I Am Covered With Flames in Cover Band Hell

I really thought I was going to escape 2008 without another round of blunt force trauma to the head..after all there's only 2 days left,right? Well, folks I'm here to tell you that I just got cold cocked with a sock full of D Batteries..just 48 hours from watching that glittery turd drop in Times Square.
Lets go over the list shall we? In 2008...we settled in to a great new house that was a bit over our price range, I lost my job, wife loses hers,lethal headaches cripple any clear thought or progress, depression continues to fit snug around me like an iron lung, dear sister loses her fight with NON SMOKERS lung cancer, family cat dies of THE SAME THING, beloved son discovers the fine art of tantrums to the Nth power, the infighting and hatred between family members in my orbit has set us back decades..I cannot for the life of me find steady employment and now the cover band I was in with a promising future and a full calendar is "in limbo" and has decided to keep their psycho calzone- faced previous singer "for the time being".!!!!!

Un-fucking-believable. I bust my ass learning 30-40 songs that any right minded human without a spray on tan,text bruises on their thumbs and a choke chain would LOATHE...to make money ....ONLY to make money(you think I WANNA sing My Own Worst Enemy by Lit?)...because I can sing really well. The only other things I do REALLY WELL is paint walls and complain...but I can SING better than I can do those things,surprisingly enough. Been doing it while panties get wet, eyes glaze over and arms get folded by the jaded musicians in the front row for OVER 20 years now.Its not rocket science...its ROCK-it science and I am a pundit, a preacher..a professor. I can convince you to give American Girl OR Brown Eyed Girl a second look I'm so good.
This is the 3rd time its happened. I audition, get the gig before I leave the building, start learning songs and gigging..and then the old singer creeps in like a Jersey Shore foot fungus...sees my vocal prowess and wants his fucking job back!!!!
This guy is a real doozy.I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with him once. He's a robust sack of potatoes who's sweating by the third number, MC-ing from the front with the oily banter of a DJ from the Bada Bing, and leaving the stage to do shots of Jameson with the audience MID SONG. When he sings its akin to the sound of a gaggle of lifelong frat boys cheering on another 40 something after the third Beer Bong, as their orange faced, bleached out house fraus look on... He yelps and guffaws real hot numbers like Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls or Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry and his Weeble head festers red like a turnip when he tried to hit any high note at all, sadly the note is never obtained and the song careens into a barrier, wrecked for affect, as the crowd, floating face down in an ocean of Coors Light, is oblivious.
They want to keep this guy??????!!!! I have to tell you I'm in the cover band capital of the world....it never snows here, but everywhere I go I see flakes.
I've had enough of 2008. I've had enough of cover bands who cannot even get their third rate shit together and it looks like I'm gonna have to do it myself in 2009. That way I'll never have to sing Counting Blue Cars again.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:23 PM

    Keep your head up, Sean. Bad luck and shitty things tend to travel in packs. The good news is, so do good things. You're due for a great year, or even a great decade. If that band agreed to take that guy back over you... you didn't want to play with them anyway. There's lot of musical fish in the sea. The guitar hero generation is coming of age soon... with more of the classics memorized note for note, or... green button to blue button. Maybe you could recruit a couple younger guys and mold them into your ideal band - show 'em how it's really done. Good luck... Now go paint a wall of sound.

    -Tim B.

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  2. I'm way better at complaining than singing :) turn that frown upside down :P

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