Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Here Is What I Know (or Vacation Rant)

Vacation thoughts: I'm having a good time relaxing(when we can) with my wife and 3 yr. old son while on vacation. Luckily the ocean is big and the pool serves drinks.

Here is what I know.

Most everyone in the USA are easily pleased lowest common denominator grease engulfing sheep who drink coke in buckets, coors light in one hand, poker chips or vouchers sopping in armpit grease in the other, possible chicken wings between their chubby toes, sitting like gelatinous jabbas in front of quarter slots with their SS checks converted into quarters in big Slushee cups mixed with Marlboro ash to feed the need to try and win enough filthy lucre to save up and come back to the very seat they've melded their cheesburger asses into within the smokey cancer caves of the casino. The circle will never be unbroken in the church, casino, boardwalk,strip mall, swap meet, AA meeting,Boat Show, Monster Truck Ralley, Bingo Hall, White Castle, Cracker Barrel, Subway, Applebees, tanning booth, Daytona 500, Creflo Dollar- Tony Robbins-Carlton Sheets convention Atlantic City boardwalk way of life.

Most everyone in the USA are pathetically self loathing enough to want to tan themselves raw and rusty orange as they glow even at dusk and carcinoma throws a party in their melanin. They want tits bigger than their heads so illogically placed on anorexic chests that they look like Biodomes on a desert floor. They want flounder lips and ass implants and big blotchy blue tattoos of obscenely gaudy crosses on their biceps to remind everyone that they worship "him" as much as the gym. Vericose veins under a 69 year old's petrified and bruised orange thighs are highlighted by white bikini bottoms with fringe, you know... Most everyone could give a shit about the ozone as long as their hair spikes and teases perfectly and they got the right Ed Hardy party to be at. Their teeth are capped, their texts are tight and their IQs are off the charts(meaning they never got on).

Most people could be entertained by a tone deaf organ grinder/serial killer with 11 children if he had rock hard abs and had his own reality show where he was trying to find love among bloodsucking dirty jersey girls who were fashion school ugly ducklings now trash talking in broken ebonic swans who pick fights with people in fat suits on an obstacle courses made of rubber facades and things found on an island if you waved a 100 dollar bill in their face or promised them a spin off season right after the tribe spoke while moving that bus.

Most people buy Daughtry/Kenny Chesney/Jimmy Buffet/David Cook/Doobie Brother/Steve Miller/Dave Matthews/Boyz II Men/Big and Rich/Poison/Sponge/Nickelback/Harry Connick/Creedence Clearwater Revisited/Linkin Park/Black Eyed Peas/Tribute to Sublime/George Thoroughgood/Blink 182/Manhattan Transfer/Temptations/Good Charlotte/yellowcard/Featuring members of Bachman Turner Overdrive/Kid Rock/Bon Jovi/Jonas Brothers/George Strait/Hinder/Lyle Lovett/Saliva/Incubus and 3 Doors Down tickets and know it as music and laugh at Carrot Top/Dane Cook/the Wayans Brothers/Louie Anderson/ Bill Engvall/Ron White/Jim Belushi/George Lopez/Paula Poundstone/Ellen deGeneres/Jay Leno/Sinbad/Larry The Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy and know it as comedy.

Most people trust Ryan Seacrest, Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, The Sham Wow Guy, Ron Popeil, Emeril Lagasse, Bill O Reilly, Terry Bradshaw, Rick Dees, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Shaquille O Neal, Tom Brady, Casey Kasem, Billy Bush, Lauren Conrad, Tyra Banks, Rob Sheffield, Jimmy Johnson,Wayne Brady, Heidi Klum, Maury Povich,Frank Rich,Pete Hammond, Heidi Montag and the Gosselins to make their decisions for them.

Most people in the USA smoke while they eat, smoke in the rain, smoke at the pool, smoke between train cars, smoke at the beach(one huge ashtray) smoke after working out, smoke at my sister's calling hours(she died of lung cancer) smoke on motorcycles, while mowing the lawn, while taking a shit, while leaving a shit, smoke before and after church, smoke before, during and after pregnancy, smoke while hooked up to a breathe machine, smoke through blowholes, smoke with wrinkly elephantine grey skin and curdled up fingers through nicotine stained mustaches and fogged up glasses on park benches, around campfires and candy stores, while hunting and bowling and walking and laughing and coughing and hurling and dancing and dying in line for lotto tickets, or at OTB.

My neck hurts from shaking my head, my brain hurts from dreaming up plans for elimination, my eyes hurt from staring in disbelief, my throat hurts for cursing under my breath. My shoulders hurt from either shrugging in excess or because I missed a spot with the SPF 15.

And now my fingers hurt from typing.

Some people are good.
Show me where to find them.
Let me bring my family, a good book, an 80 gig ipod, a pen and some anti-depressants.
I wouldn't mind access to pale ales, an animal sanctuary and some balmy, boogie- board free water, either.

Thank You...I must go now. The men in the white uniforms are coming.


  1. Questions:

    1. When you were traveling the USA recently did you notice that people are pretty much the same everywhere?

    2. Did it seem like less people smoked in CA? Cause I don't see too many people smokin around here but I do see a lot of the other stuff you mentioned

    This was an interesting rant, painted a great portrait of Atlantic City. Please give your brain the rest of your time there a vacation too, thinking about all this will give you a migraine.

  2. 1. Yes...but people in Amarillo and Iowa are ordinary AND scary.

    2.california is big....smokers are more spread out from the rodeos in bakersfield to the retirement homes in Santa barbara to the growers in Humboldt.

    3. My brain never rests...i need some of that Ditrivan Mr. Jackson had.

  3. Seano, I wonder how many people are going to try and get some Ditrivan now .... my brain never rests either. Its a curse being so damn intelligent and deep.

  4. Anonymous4:13 PM

    Here's an idea - don't go on vacation in Atlantic City! Unfortunately, the rest of the Jersey Shore is not far off from this either (minus the casinos).

  5. Anonymous, Cmon now. Its not about the jersey Shore..its a character study .I could get this footage ANYWHERE. The point is..most Americans are all the same, don't want to be challenged, make bad decisions and are perfectly content.

    Thats my point.

  6. Many of the "personalities" that you listed embody what is wrong with North American culture in general. Bad taste amongst the unwashed masses doesn't screech to a halt at the American border either. (Canadians display many similar lapses in what they ingest, watch and listen to)

    Take heart, you're not alone in your observations (although sometimes I'm sure that it feels that way.) The revolution is coming and the stupid people will be the last to know...

  7. Sean C - I am so glad the revolution is coming, I've been waiting.

  8. I really liked this. What I liked most was the fact that just when I get to this very point...this utter disgust and disbelief in what is happening around me..I meet someone - or share a conversation or a moment of truth- or read something that says...its not like this everywhere and not everyone is like this and finding that sweet spot, that moment, that joy it is what makes it so much easier to laugh, to sleep at night and more importantly to get up the each day and stick your foot out of your bed and with great purpose slap it on the hard cold floor. Ah...pale ale.