Friday, February 13, 2009

10 MORE Commandments from The Rock Bible

As I sit home recuperating from an upper endoscopy that I had this morning(they found possible acid reflux, symptoms of Celiac's Disease,600,000 shards of lost finger nails, petrified Honey Comb cereal and MANY words that I had eaten over the years) I was able to find something to recommend to you while I ponder a future without wheat(which includes BEER and PASTA). Don't cry for me yet, I'll know more on Monday. But I plan on drinking several lifetimes worth of pale ales this weekend in honor/mourning of my drinking life. I will wake up in a puddle of hoppy tears, hungover and surrounded by half empty bowls of rigatoni and crumbs from cereal and cookies forming a sad halo around my head.

However sad my plight may/may not be, there are still worlds of rock to investigate, and rules of the rawk credo to follow. These rules are wonderfully on display in a book I discovered online quite simply called "The Rock Bible : Unholy Scripture For Fans and Bands". Here is a link to a fine article about this book that I found on the Gibson website. Click on this to go there :

The folks at Gibson list their 10 favorite commandments from the book in this article, and I'm going to add 10 more of my own.

1) Singers should never think they sound genuine when they ask the crowd "How's everybody doin' out there?" We're drinking ourselves silly after paying this much to see you, that's how we're doin'.
2) Never have a horn section AND back up singers. It's one or the other. And never more than TWO of each. We can't concentrate anymore, see #1.

3) If you are over 40, save a cow and keep the leather pants home buried deep in your wardrobe or give them to an overpriced museum. Your meat and potatoes ain't what they used to be.

4)Banjos are not rock. This goes for you, Bela Fleck. It makes me think of "Squeal like a Piggie!"

5)Drum solos are only cool for 5 minutes and from real expensive seats in front. If you are a drummer who defies this commandment, rest assured we are heading out for a urinal and or Garlic Fries. Neil Peart or no Neil Peart.

6)Crowd surfing is distracting to us. Stop it, you're going to get groped or paralyzed eventually. Lawyers are watching from the cheap seats.

7)The Boob Cam is really disturbing and hard on the chaperones of 14 year old Crue fans to govern. Nobody likes middle aged boobs..whether you're 14 or middle aged.

8)Pace Yourself in the Parking Lot. We've stepped over too many blotto-ed early birds in studded leather and puddles of vomit 3 hours before the show. We've dug through your pockets, found your tickets and scalped them so we could buy a 40 dollar T shirt. We're out there. be careful.

9)Thou Shall Not Play EVERY SONG YOU ARE ABOUT TO HEAR INSIDE AN HOUR FROM NOW on your car stereo in the parking lot.


Alrighty then. Feel free to shoot some of your own commandments my way and follow that link to the article. Or just buy the book. Yeah, that sounds good. Buy the book. You can't download it. You'll have to actually buy it.


  1. Some of those I would disagree with, especially having the holy title of the ten commandments. There are definitely a lot worse things than drum solos, boob cams, and crowd surfing. I also had a teacher back in High School who rocked on the banjo. One commandment I think we can all agree on is, "NEVER TRUST TICKETMASTER!"

  2. I certainly wasn't bringing religion into it,Jeff. It is merely the title of the book. I was continuing on a theme. Sorry if I offended you.

  3. I have to check out this book (think my library will have it?)

    This was funny. I think I agree with most of them but like Jeff, I kinda dig the banjo and I I love drum solos...I'll have to time the next one I hear.