Dearest S. Claus,
I've been marginally good this year...my road rage levels are way down, I completed almost 71% of my household responsibilities thoroughly and on time, I called my wife every day while I was on tour(even if she didn't want to hear word one from me), I have only used TV as a babysitter maybe 8-10 times in the last six months, I bought 11 of the 172 albums I downloaded (LOL, RIAA!), I have a pair of underwear for every day of the week and I have successfully traded years of being a phobic hypochondriac for a future in curmudgeonry.
I'm too big to sit on your lap and the mall cops would have me tasered in front of the house frau photo elves..so I send you my wishlist from home.
1) I would like the power to disintegrate with hot eye lasers and puke grenades any uninteresting and questionably famous person.
2 I wish for 5 minutes with Jay-Z to tell him to stop fellating himself and give his wife a break from performing at awards shows.
3) I would like to buy a concert ticket in 2010 with less than 20 dollars in surcharges.
4) I wish for a ban on indie bands with wildlife, livestock, or woodland creatures somewhere in their name..Deer Tick, Deer Hoof, Antlers, We are Wolves, Grizzly Bear, Wolf Parade, Minus the Bear, Dept. of Eagles, Band of Horses,Panda Bear,The Mountain Goats, Lambchop.....
5) I want less expensive denim and more expensive flannel.
6) I want to write the great American novel after 10 years of work and then switch to writing movie blurbs and ghostwriting tweets for the chronically uninspired.
7) I want a speed metal offering from Jack Johnson and an acoustic folk offering from Tom Arraya.
8) I want Iggy Pop's workout video. I know there isn't one out there, but if I could just bust a quarter of his moves every day for 15 to 20 minutes I might be able to fit into those skinny jeans that all of the kids are wearing.
9) I want a Lou Reed Smile, a Billy Corgan wig, a Brann Dailor waltz beat, a Dave Grohl permanent drum seat, a Gene Simmons drive- by, an Adam Lambert chlamydia infestation, a Ryan Seacrest-Adam Lambert secret glory hole video, a Robert Plant come- to- papa moment, a Lester Bangs renaissance, a Black Eyed peas Bus Crash where Fergie pops an implant and Will I Am's Adams apple is crushed, I dont care if it hurts, I wanna have control, I wanna perfect body, I wanna perfect soul.......
10) I want War is Over If We Want It............izzat too much to ask?
P.S. I want a get out of Land of Misfit Toys for free card if you can swing it, Sir Kringle..I'd gladly take over a hungover elf's hours in exchange.. thanks Seano