Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Scariest Halloween Costumes I Can Think Of

The Bitching(oops!) ..Witching hour is upon us. And Seano is, at the time of this writing, sans costume. I really want to scare the shit out of people..maybe scare some kids bad enough to make 'em soil their flame retardant Snooki costumes so they drop their candy crammed pillow cases in my yard and I'm left with sweet treats for a week or so.

But I'm perplexed.  I'm running dry in the choose a costume dept. I thought of being ax-murdering psychopath, not scary enough, John Wayne Gacy in a dirty, bloodstained clown outfit...nope not scary enough. A NAMBLA member, a shoe bomber..Glenn Beck?  Nope not scary enough. Close, but still not doing it for me.

What about these?

Jann Wenner  -This scary bastard puts Madonna and Run DMC in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame , and nominates Bon Jovi before Rush or Yes.  That's fucking scary.

  This greasy character can be seen with his stank fedora hat head, shirt unbuttoned  and swilling Coors Light at any high class function. He thinks his shit don't stink, but it really really does. He's so scary that millions of people keep buying his stinky shit, probably because they're scared...scared of where this country is going, scared of pulling their pants up,and scared of having one original thought in their head. Scares the shit out of me.  He jumps genres when the one he used to perform ain't selling any more. He loves soldiers and Chevy trucks so much its frightening.

These are Juggalos. These aimless cretins are one small rung up the human food chain next to pedophiles. These white trash clowns scare me to death. They've mastered white ebonics, but can't use it in a sentence, they love hanging around mini markets, eating copious amounts of Little Debbies anything and mixing Faygo with antifreeze for fun. Horrifying.

This terrifying freak is called Irving Azoff. He wants you to refinance your home in order to be able to afford concert tickets. He wont tell you where the money for all of your extra charges go, and he doesn't care. His smarmy ,greedy smirk is akin to that of a leader of flesh eating zombies. Wait, that's cash eating zombies, sorry.

This new monster is a chameleon like caricature. The scare factor is high with this one because of his uncanny ability to shun 30 years of influence and entertainment, and abandon it to be a glossy sextegenerian shill for the scariest show of all time. Dude looks like a shady lady.

But this is the costume I picked. It's perfect. I get to masquerade as a horrific underwhelming, self important artist, spit fake blood while sucking blood from empty pocketed fans, blow my own horn relentlessly wherever I go, put my (he who should never be)name on everything from laxatives to limousines, like a big bloody Scarlet "G" and then sell it. He is soulless, and that is why he wants you to sell your soul to him. And then he puts his make up on, but that is much less scary to me. I like him unmasked, unattractive, unreal, undead.

That's the one. I'm putting my costume together, now. Does anyone have some fresh hairballs from a black cat. If you send enough of them in I could glue them together and recreate his wig. The head is really big. I might need some extra latex for that .

Happy Halloween !


  1. A spooky lot, to be sure. Honorable mention goes to Justin Bieber whose terrifying popularity proves that millions of scary, brain dead zombies are walking amongst us with disposable cash to burn and Twitter accounts. Be afraid.

    Leif Garrett has a sealed envelope for young Justin, the contents of which spell out his adult future in graphic detail. (cue the theremin!)

  2. I found your site from Blogs of Note. I love it. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!

  3. Ah! Sick, I hate Kid Rock.

  4. I used to think Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy's I'll Be Missing You was one of the most vile and atrocious musical atrocities leveled at the listening public, not to mention an unexcusable plagiarism of one of the Police's better (if most overplayed) songs.... Then I heard Kid Rock's All Summer Long and I'll Be Missing You doesn't sound quite as bad to me as it once did. So I'd say Kid Rock is scarier than Gene Simmons... He may be soul-less but at least KISS wasn't ripping off music by other artists.