Its that time of year again...The dreaded Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nominees have been announced...my comments are akin to a game of setting up Pabst Blue Ribbon cans on a fence some 20 yards away and using a shotgun to try and knock 'em down blindfolded while having just huffed 17 straight whippit canisters. Take it with as much relevance as you want
Let's have at it, starting with the obvious(and mostly way overdue) choices for induction.
Alice Cooper -Long overdue, the original shock rocker...a pioneer in stage show theatrics: snakes, guillotines, staged faux executions, eviscerating live chickens,and blood. Facepainted long before those losers in Kiss were covering up those pocked up butterfaces of theirs, and longer before those bigger losers in Insane Clown Posse were weeping at a Barnum and Bailey outing.Was rocking spandex, leather and crossdressing while Marilyn Manson was still in detention in some Floridian middle school, was using horror movies as inspiration while Rob Zombie was still peeing in his Garanimals watching The Exorcist. Now lets talk about the music....The first five albums with the original classic line up of Alice, Glen Buxton, Dennis Dunaway, Michael Bruce and Neal Smith stretched the limits of what rock could be..conceptual, art rock, glam, hard rock and even the Garage-y sounds of their native Detroit. Give another listen to Love it to Death, School's Out or Billion Dollar Babies...you'll hear what I mean. IN
Neil Diamond- That schmaltzy baritone and that 70s Jewffont isn't whats going to get him in....the man is a songwriting MACHINE...A Brill bldg. legend...I'm a Believer? Kentucky Woman? Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon? Red,Red Wine? All NEIL's work. Name one other songwriter who wrote for ELVIS and DEEP PURPLE! You can't. But I think he should get in for this album cover alone, for Hot August Night. The album where he shows all of the ladies just how big his "solitary man" really is!!!
Tom Waits-Another prolific songwriter whose influence(not record sales) should get him admitted . The "hits" Downtown Train, Jersey Girl were afterthoughts for Waits..and given to Bruce and Rod to play around with. But his albums like Swordfishtrombones, Rain Dogs, Bone Machine, The Black Rider, Mule Variations.....they really sound like no others. Using a wide range of uncommon instrumentation (Waterphones, Bassoons, pump organs, marimbas and accordians) and stretching into primal blues, deserted cabaret music and forgotten folk...Waits' style became his own. And that growl, that one of a kind voice that sounds like his nodes have been flame broiled and put through a shredder....is enough for me to want him IN.
Dr John- One of the godfathers of New Orleans zydeco/funk/blues...The piano man has paid his dues. He's played on a million albums with the likes of the Stones, Van Morrison, Rickie Lee Jones, The Band and Neil Diamond. Shit..he wrote and sang the theme song for BLOSSOM, y'all! IN.
DEFINITELY MAYBES- Laura Nyro, Donovan, Darlene Love and the J Geils Band.
ARE YOU F#@%$#N KIDDING ME: Bon Jovi???????? What did he ever do except moisten the panties of a couple million high haired gum smackin' girls in the 80s who then turned into those made up moms in mini van convoys blasting "Bed of Roses" and "I'll Be There For You ", blue-toothing it yenta style while on their way to pick up the kids at the hockey rink. NO NO NO.
Beastie Boys??? One of the only talented bands with ahem..three MC- style hip hop sensibilities in their spirited and lengthy repertoire, but really.....there is no rock anywhere to be found on Paul's Boutique, no matter how classic it is except the two drum samples from Jamies Cryin' and When the Levee Breaks. Sorry, Eggmen. NO NO No.
LL COOL J- Please go back to Cali. Preferably Fresno or Bakersfield. And put a shirt on before the flight.
Donna Summer- Remember when unruly(YES!!) Chicago DJ Steve Dahl and 10000 unruly(YES!!) and rabid rock fans blew up shitloads of disco albums in the outfield of Comiskey Park in 1979???? DID THAT NOT MEAN ANYTHING?
Chic- See above comments, and last years comments and any comments I probably made before that anywhere while enchanted by my fourth shot of Jager. Those are my "GOOD TIMES"!
SNOBBERY SNUBBERY: Say it with me...RUSH, YES, IRON MAIDEN, CHEAP TRICK, BIG STAR, THE CARS, BRIAN ENO, ROXY MUSIC and HEART!!! What the hell..throw in Chicago, King Crimson, Jethro Tull, MC5, Journey and Duran Duran in there too.
It ain't ever gonna be close to perfect, people. And thank my lucky stars for that or I'd have nothing to write about!!!
Now come forth, out of the shadows of night, basement bars and backs of cars and lets talk about it!!!