Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Scariest Halloween Costumes I Can Think Of

The Bitching(oops!) ..Witching hour is upon us. And Seano is, at the time of this writing, sans costume. I really want to scare the shit out of people..maybe scare some kids bad enough to make 'em soil their flame retardant Snooki costumes so they drop their candy crammed pillow cases in my yard and I'm left with sweet treats for a week or so.

But I'm perplexed.  I'm running dry in the choose a costume dept. I thought of being ax-murdering psychopath, not scary enough, John Wayne Gacy in a dirty, bloodstained clown outfit...nope not scary enough. A NAMBLA member, a shoe bomber..Glenn Beck?  Nope not scary enough. Close, but still not doing it for me.

What about these?

Jann Wenner  -This scary bastard puts Madonna and Run DMC in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame , and nominates Bon Jovi before Rush or Yes.  That's fucking scary.

  This greasy character can be seen with his stank fedora hat head, shirt unbuttoned  and swilling Coors Light at any high class function. He thinks his shit don't stink, but it really really does. He's so scary that millions of people keep buying his stinky shit, probably because they're scared...scared of where this country is going, scared of pulling their pants up,and scared of having one original thought in their head. Scares the shit out of me.  He jumps genres when the one he used to perform ain't selling any more. He loves soldiers and Chevy trucks so much its frightening.

These are Juggalos. These aimless cretins are one small rung up the human food chain next to pedophiles. These white trash clowns scare me to death. They've mastered white ebonics, but can't use it in a sentence, they love hanging around mini markets, eating copious amounts of Little Debbies anything and mixing Faygo with antifreeze for fun. Horrifying.

This terrifying freak is called Irving Azoff. He wants you to refinance your home in order to be able to afford concert tickets. He wont tell you where the money for all of your extra charges go, and he doesn't care. His smarmy ,greedy smirk is akin to that of a leader of flesh eating zombies. Wait, that's cash eating zombies, sorry.

This new monster is a chameleon like caricature. The scare factor is high with this one because of his uncanny ability to shun 30 years of influence and entertainment, and abandon it to be a glossy sextegenerian shill for the scariest show of all time. Dude looks like a shady lady.

But this is the costume I picked. It's perfect. I get to masquerade as a horrific underwhelming, self important artist, spit fake blood while sucking blood from empty pocketed fans, blow my own horn relentlessly wherever I go, put my (he who should never be)name on everything from laxatives to limousines, like a big bloody Scarlet "G" and then sell it. He is soulless, and that is why he wants you to sell your soul to him. And then he puts his make up on, but that is much less scary to me. I like him unmasked, unattractive, unreal, undead.

That's the one. I'm putting my costume together, now. Does anyone have some fresh hairballs from a black cat. If you send enough of them in I could glue them together and recreate his wig. The head is really big. I might need some extra latex for that .

Happy Halloween !

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Notes on Kylesa 10/26 in Philly

I went to see a great band last night. It's very close to Halloween, so I dressed up like a rock critic and headed down to the Starlight Ballroom in Philly to see Savannah, Georgia's own Kylesa. They happened to be opening for High On Fire, they have a hot, tough chick who plays pretty sick lead guitar and sings, they have two drummers who make Jaimoe and Butch from the Allman Bros. look like rank amateurs...and they are loud enough to make the Yeungling bottles shake like scared children  in the back of the bar cooler. Their new album is called Spiral Shadow, and its louder than a Tea Party. Go get it.

Here are my notes, scratched into a moleskine in the dark, as usual. Some pics will follow.

Goldtop entrado
Burning grenades in a rusty tumbler
convulsion and propulsion from twin skins
coughing rockets
spiral shadows trembling
gold bottom goddess
a rush of pretty finger.

Cant see your sleeve
let me see your sleeve
ride cymbal pinging rivets like a brain metronome
click track bomb track
shooting bullets into a god operated wind tunnel
invite only.

So many beats, so little time
frenetic pace of huffing riff
aromatic dangling spliff

Its the rhythm, stupid.
ball peen hammer in the membrain.
drum circle gone wrong, wring of
black fire.
Hacking dragon, wing swept riff
finger tapping amperage princess
up and down the neck like she's waterboarding Thor.

These thunder gods like chainmailed rockettes
kicking out beastly rhythms in unison.
She sings from gossamer to gargoyle.
There is a ticket taker in Hades counting the scratch.

Every song a sludgy meth march to an unveiling
stripped us down to tooth and bone
shivering then ground to dust and memory.

Pummeled into powder for a confidence gun
battle cries hurled from crests
of castle walls and bottomless pits

This busted busty hussy popping wrist veins
choking out notes
clunky wrings clutching knuckles
both barrels blown
we're barely breathing.

As the four sticks submit, we submerge
from stunned punching
popping bearings careening off of
bulldozer blades ,
pushing the sleep away,
liquify crust.
This rain dance brings fire
this drum circle sparks war.

Kylesa rolls the bottom, down in the hole
crash cymbals like mountains high fiving in storm fronts.

                Georgia has the cold dead finger on the racing pulse of metal, these days. Mastodon, Baroness, Kylesa, Black Tusk. Don't fear those beards. And when 3D blacklight posters of band Co-leader Laura Pleasants come out, ship mine here.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Van Zeppelin?

So The Metal Den has unearthed a demo, jam tape..whatever you wanna call it from 1975 of a young band from Pasadena, doing a cover of a brand new Led Zeppelin song. Yeah, that's when Physical Graffiti was released. The song is Trampled Underfoot and the young band was Van Halen.  You can have a listen here:

The quality begs me to wonder if they recorded it using one of those sears cassette player/recorders perched on a case of Heineken in Eddie's garage, but you get the gist.

As any serious Zep Fan knows, Trampled Underfoot has probably the most lyrics of any song in their catalog, (I count 9 short verses in between the "talkin' bout loves") and most are unintelligible because of the rate of speed in which the riff is repeated.

It's pretty much about comparing a hot babe to a hot rod.Lots of pipes, hoods and checking oil.

I think Diamond Dave gets a good 10 percent of the lyrics right. But he probably looked fabulous in that garage, breaking in the spandex for the first time.

Van Halen is back in the studio, with Wolfgang and Dave. Eddie will be doing all of Wolfies parts over on bass and they'll bring in a female singer to mimic Michael Anthony's stellar trademark VH back ground vocals.

  Look for an exclusive Wal mart release in early 2011. And soon to follow, a tour sponsored by Nicorrette.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Review: Valient Thorr @ North Star Bar Philadelphia

Here in the terra firma of a dark bar, patrons loom anxious and curious like Area 51 gatecrashers armed with pints of special nectar. The anticipation of a sighting is overwhelming, and from the information we have gathered there are otherworldly glints of celestial beards afoot. We have been warned, probed and scanned for clearance and are about to witness a vision quest of extra terrestrial rock star bravado and virtuosity, a space brigade of five mysteriosos disguised in cut off denim jackets. What is this? Where did we get this information?

 A sweaty mess of space eggs holographically appear under the lights. They vibrate and break open and Valient Thorr hatches out to inhabit the stage, huffing spastically, riff ready and aiming to spread a plethora of prophecies and blessings by way of their galactic gospel spewing leader, Valient Himself.

The sermon is called Stranger, their brand new release and the set is heavy with numbers from it. The set is heavy for it. “Disappearer” was chock full of mind numbing ampheti- speed, with enough gacky punch to bust a neck hinge off.    We were amidst a dancing thrust of notes whirring in a thunder cloud as the new track” Double Crossed” slays us like lasers in the front row, letting us know we are all “liars”, and we believed it.

During the lethal whip crack of “Night Terrors”, a song about being taken by the light of bad dreams, we were privy to an escape as Valient directed us in a virtual group row. We got down on the floor and rowed like fearless dream Vikings, adrift through the stormy solos, slumber thrown asunder.

Thorriors know there is always some interplanetary wisdom given back at every show by the band, and this night was no different.  This wisdom, probably collected throughout various missions, was doled out in fan favorites like “Tomorrow Police” and “Obituary”

Valient Thorr have outdone themselves on Stranger and to witness it live during one of their rare landings is a treat for any mere earthling. Track their ship and catch it in your town.

Here is their new video for "Double Crossed".

 Stranger is out NOW. You don't need a beard to appreciate it. go to for details!

Monday, October 18, 2010


Shit, I've been growing a baseball beard and working on my curmudgeon costume this past 12 days, sorry folks.
 Real hard times at home are grinding my craw to a crawl... makes me look like the Boston(band) of the blog world, with an output of a post every 8 years or so.  Anybody got a car, an apartment and some black market health insurance, let me know. If you're in a band and happen to have access to these things, I'll give you a great review, even if "heart beats like a drum" is anywhere on your lyric sheet.

There were a couple of highlights, though.

I went out to Washington for a wedding last week, hugged some massive trees, hiked(huff, puff) up to a clear view of Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Adams,  was out of any cell/internet service for 6 days and got to know the locals in Stevenson at the Walking Man Brewery as I drowned down a couple two, three, six Knuckle Draggers. When I came to, a day later, I had the opportunity to watch local up and comers Jackbone Dixie do a stripped down acoustic set as the wedding band.  Emily Albaugh has one of those rare, one of a kind smoky, husky and bold voices, and she's all of 90 lbs.  She should go pretty far with a tightened set and a move to nearby Portland.

Speaking of Portland, I finally  got to meet the world famous Isorski, from Isorski's Musings. From what I remember, as we sampled a plethora of Oregonian pints, it was a great time. I only made fun of his Kiss devotion maybe 10 or 12 times. Hmmm, I wonder what he thinks about this fresh music news story?

Even in the aftermath of leaving/losing my brand new 64g Itouch in the Dallas airport, that story makes me feel good.

Maybe even enough to get back on track and salvage this Crocktober for everyone.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Readers Block

I am over tired from treading water in an over chlorinated pool of inspiration and information.
I am drowning in words that I have not read.
Forming sentences and ideas from disjointed dreams instead.
Time is my dance partner and I've never lead.
I'm chasing a storm that never lands
words on a page that I won't understand
smuggled into a lazy brain like contraband.

These are the books I have purchased in the last year and never started or never finished

Let It Blurt-Bio of Lester Bangs by Jim DeRogatis
Psychotic Reactoions and Carburetor Dung-Collective Writings by Lester Bangs
Open Up and Bleed- The Iggy Pop Bio by Paul Trynka
The Rock Bible-A book I recommended on this here blog and never finished
Soon I Will Be Invincible- Austin Grossman
Go Now-Richard Hell
The Raw Shark Texts-Steven Hall
Surviving The Death of a Sibling- T.J.Wray
Lush Life-Richard Price
I Hate New Music-Dave Thompson
What is the What-Dave Eggers
Middlesex-Jeffrey Eugenides
The Town That Forgot How to Breathe-Kenneth J. Harvey
Francis Bacon:Anatomy of an Enigma-Michael Peppiatt
Never Mind The Pollacks-Neil Pollack
King Dork-Frank Portman
Writers Digest Handbook of Magazine Article Writing
Child Of God-Cormac McCarthy
Moby Dick-Herman Melville
Chuck Klosterman IV- A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas
If You Want To Write- Brenda Ueland

Isn't it awesome when you really, really want to you buy a heralded book called If You Want to Write, written by a 93 yr old woman.....and you let it sit there....not even reading page one.


Saturday, October 02, 2010

Thoughts on the 2011 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nominees

Its that time of year again...The dreaded Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nominees have been comments are akin to a game of setting up Pabst Blue Ribbon cans on a fence some 20 yards away and using a shotgun to try and knock 'em down blindfolded while having just huffed 17 straight whippit canisters. Take it with as much relevance as you want

Let's have at it, starting with the obvious(and mostly way overdue) choices for induction.

Alice Cooper -Long overdue, the original shock rocker...a pioneer in stage show theatrics: snakes, guillotines, staged faux executions, eviscerating live chickens,and blood. Facepainted long before those losers in Kiss were covering up those pocked up butterfaces of theirs, and longer before those bigger losers in Insane Clown Posse were weeping at a Barnum and Bailey outing.Was rocking spandex, leather and crossdressing while Marilyn Manson was still in detention in some Floridian middle school, was using horror movies as inspiration while Rob Zombie was still peeing in his Garanimals watching The Exorcist. Now lets talk about the music....The first five albums with the original classic line up of Alice, Glen Buxton, Dennis Dunaway, Michael Bruce and Neal Smith stretched the limits of what rock could be..conceptual, art rock, glam, hard rock and even the Garage-y sounds of their native Detroit. Give another listen to Love it to Death, School's Out or Billion Dollar'll hear what I mean.                 IN

Neil Diamond- That schmaltzy baritone and that 70s Jewffont isn't whats going to get him in....the man is a songwriting MACHINE...A Brill bldg. legend...I'm a Believer? Kentucky Woman? Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon?  Red,Red Wine? All NEIL's work. Name one other songwriter who wrote for ELVIS and DEEP PURPLE! You can't.  But I think he should get in for this album cover alone, for Hot August Night. The album where he shows all of the ladies just how big his "solitary man" really is!!!

Tom Waits-Another prolific songwriter whose influence(not record sales) should get him admitted . The "hits" Downtown Train, Jersey Girl were afterthoughts for Waits..and given to Bruce and Rod to play around with.   But his albums like Swordfishtrombones, Rain Dogs, Bone Machine, The Black Rider, Mule Variations.....they really sound like no others. Using a wide range of uncommon instrumentation (Waterphones, Bassoons, pump organs, marimbas and accordians) and stretching into primal blues, deserted cabaret music and forgotten folk...Waits' style became his own.    And that growl, that one of a kind voice that sounds like his nodes have been flame broiled and put through a enough for me to want him  IN.

Dr John- One of the godfathers of New Orleans zydeco/funk/blues...The  piano man has paid his dues. He's played on a million albums with the likes of the Stones, Van Morrison, Rickie Lee Jones, The Band and Neil Diamond. Shit..he wrote and sang the theme song for BLOSSOM, y'all!   IN.

DEFINITELY MAYBES-  Laura Nyro, Donovan, Darlene Love and the J Geils Band.

ARE YOU F#@%$#N KIDDING ME:  Bon Jovi????????  What did he ever do except moisten the panties of a couple million high haired gum smackin' girls in the 80s who then turned into those made up moms in mini van convoys blasting "Bed of Roses" and "I'll Be There For You ", blue-toothing it yenta style while on their way to pick up the kids at the hockey rink.  NO NO NO.

Beastie Boys???   One of the only talented bands with ahem..three MC- style hip hop sensibilities in their spirited and lengthy repertoire, but really.....there is no rock anywhere to be found on Paul's Boutique, no matter how classic it is except the two drum samples from Jamies Cryin' and When the Levee Breaks. Sorry, Eggmen. NO NO No.

LL COOL J- Please go back to Cali. Preferably Fresno or Bakersfield. And put a shirt on before the flight.

Donna Summer- Remember when unruly(YES!!) Chicago DJ Steve Dahl and 10000 unruly(YES!!) and rabid rock fans blew up shitloads of disco albums in the outfield of Comiskey Park in 1979???? DID THAT NOT MEAN ANYTHING?

Chic- See above comments, and last years comments and any comments I probably made before that anywhere while enchanted by my fourth shot of Jager. Those are my "GOOD TIMES"!

SNOBBERY SNUBBERY:  Say it with me...RUSH, YES, IRON MAIDEN, CHEAP TRICK, BIG STAR, THE CARS, BRIAN ENO, ROXY MUSIC and HEART!!!  What the hell..throw in Chicago, King Crimson, Jethro Tull, MC5, Journey and Duran Duran in there too.

It ain't ever gonna be close to perfect, people. And thank my lucky stars for that or I'd have nothing to write about!!!

Now come forth, out of the shadows of night, basement bars and backs of cars and lets talk about it!!!