Most Likely the Last Entry of 2006

It was the best year and worst year of my life in 2006. My son was born 2 or so weeks after my sister was diagnosed with cancer. Both of these happenings have changed me for good. I'm emotionally spent half of the time and feel like I'm reverting to someone I left behind years ago.I climbed out of one hole so I could dig another. As a grown man in his now late thirties, I often felt like I was 26 again and this was a Groundhog day "year" where I woke up and kept repeating bad habits, cursing my past and wondering why bad things kept happening to me. Yet I don't believe I'm cursed. I just feel like I'm treading water in the dark. I felt trapped in a city I have no real connection to for the second year in a row. The scenery is stellar but I've had my fill.It has not helped my fight against being born again motivated.And I feel tired every day.I felt helpless in my sister's fight and near a million miles away. I felt displaced and detached. But I sometimes don't think it would make a difference what city I was in. The masks I wear fit nicely anywhere. I'm a father now and I love the feeling of having had a part in creating another human being who can learn from me and exceed all expectations that I ever had for myself. My son brings me such joy. I learn from him as well. He has taught me to smile every day for no particular reason...My sister has taught me to take second looks, appreciate beyond my own ideals, and look for answers. My wife has been a constant giver, a patient partner and a great mother. Its almost as if she was born to do this. Always the multitasker, she has now taken it to levels beyond comprehension. I do not have her patience, I hope someday to reach her level. I'm bored with my baby steps, and ready for Hudson's.I'm ready to lay down my old tools for new ones that do not require hands to use. I'm ready for change in 2007. I really am.

And Rock On is a Virtue

poetry from 2001

And rock on is a virtue
as the warm gibson sings
bat in the belfry
bird on a wing
and the soul is a chord structure
as the pain echoes in amps
some of us preach of riches
as if gypsies, tramps.
And rock on is a virtue
as if a song in my head
I'm better off singing
fits better than dead
I'm off and better singing
so the denim angel says
as the iron gods rehearse
the stoner devil slays.
And rock on is my mantra
it is a bitter badge
so called call to glory
its everything I have.
Everything I'm made of
and most of what you're not
you can't kill rock and roll
on days when time forgot.

what in the year 2000 wuz I thinking

I found this tonite...haven't seen it in 6 years...don't know "where " i was then besides residing in NYC..I thought I would post it to practice typing and induce head scratching everywhere else...I'm positive it was about a cornucopia of fabricated creations, since it makes fifteen percent sense.


YEAR

I methodically think back to an hour or two ago walking behind a thousand sweetnesses in a cradle of satin the crease of your jeans and the mad wet mystery inbetween. A fashion week ass and that above the bra line boob surge like an inner tube gone awry. All day long so lonely. tongue in a groove in a dream how electricity comes and goes from mad wattage to outage within ten city blocks. Anxiety wardrobes and dead calms. Mornings vs. friday nights in an amateur extreme fighting championship. Ken Shamrock of the AM vs. Mr. Gracie of the PM. Tao of the tai chi vs. brute force blood drain teeth flared ears hot ignite mans head is made of thunderstorm to drown the fire in the heart. And I don't walk as aimless anymore. I head for the early train catch a flick in my cube read some scribe in the dark fall under when the body tells me to. Ahh sleep so safe. No scab left to scrape. Phone numbers dwindle down to simple math. 2 plus 2. So simple and new. If I don't stay busy. The vultures pass on my open wounds, but on their way away, they let the robins know of the rich grey worm within the helmet of my head. It is only guarded when I'm switched on. Auto pilot makes me fair game for the scavengers. The driven. The winners. The gene pool lottery sinners...bitches click their heels.. witches make the deals, give you half a pass and show you how it feels..your'e just a human....victim of the InSane...isolation.....the sun may never disappear ...but the world may not have many years...isolation.

Saturblivion

Bonham was 32 when he passed, vodker did him in, it was total rock and roll, one tired and deadly sin from within...I sometimes hear his bass drum godly triplets as I high step the sidewalks stroller free, I know Bonham reincarnated could never be me......Have you ever listened to Kashmir in Yer headphones for the trillionth time? Its childish, epic and sublime. And when I drink I lean towards rhyme..classic rock crutches help me walk proud and distorted every time. Blog Captain Blog, on your mystery trip...riff equals gallop, beat equals skip. And Classic rock is my badge of courage, its my invisibility cloak, its my godsended weapon mjolnir, its everyone else's long running joke. We need arenas and religious parking lots where we begged forgiveness and rocked till we drop, we live vicarious legends via VH1, we windmilled and headbanged and plugged into fun..now all of this past tense is poison to those who live so pure....it makes sense to me to retrace my steps to this simple sonic cure......

Hermit the Blog

Couch surf comic awareness one headphone off baby coughs thom yorke soundtrack import hardcore stuporstar blog non bountiful since everything I say turns to gold when you're deaf....you can feel like this too and accomplish everything you've been told to do...fitter, happier golden hues of decadense...the year of living dangerously..living in cold code..pummeling fun into dust..here comes the son...love the son. struggle through barre chords and stumble through space..save white albums save face...you are my sunshine reflecting the puddles running out of my garage..life on the third floor first six months of a life laid out here framed in here unwound and wrapped in love and patience love and patience love and patience..on/off switch..love and sleep and lifting smiles from frantic teething...barely breathing to quiet yourself to hear his...rituals patience and love shape a life rituals patience and love shape a life. breathing life into yours is mine, your mothers and mine.

Touching Down

For a while today, I felt the dark pangs of the big "D" coming on. Depression. Its been my neighborhood bully no matter what neighborhood I live in. Its a massive time waster. An alien who sucks your thoughts away from you and spits them back in your face. It comes and goes. My wife says I always have it, and she thinks its a bit of a crutch, an excuse to not conform and not perform. she's partially right. Fortunately for her and my almost six month old...they did not know me when.
For months at a time during two long periods in my life. I was crushed to blood,bone and dust by depression. First in 1993-1994, and then an even longer run from 1998-2001. Brutal times.Overwhelmed by loneliness and betrayal, confined to self hatred. Both periods in which I danced with the big D demons were fueled by massive heartbreaks. World crushing, nothing else matters, drink until you forget heartbreaks. I lashed out at friends I thought had done me wrong..I took sides and took names and spun out of control with anger and loss. After the time that it took to get over the heartbreaks in both occurrences something even worse resided in me. I would call it nothingness.....I literally would feel nothing. Just go about my days forcing myself to work and survive floating just above unconsciousness...then retire to my room and write and cry and drink and curse every action I ever took. I would feverishly , then aimlessly retrace my steps and thoughts to find a cause for the dark bullshit things that had happened to me. I would waste large chunks of time dwelling on the past...from the depths came a creative spurt of angry songwriting once in a while, and then just anger. With its dastardly grip.
Anger is a tricky, nasty side effect of depression. Some would say they are the same thing.My anger led to finding something wrong with every decision I had to make ,from what degree program to follow in school, to what band to join, to what person to avoid. I was on many drugs until I found a "good one" that allowed me to actually leave my room, have conversations, face fears and repair relationships. I found love, got married...but the anger never really went away despite coming so far......Today what set it off was frustration. Frustrated with a lack of direction, lack of career, lack of time management, lack of adequate income, lack of balance, lack of a connection with the city I live in...I could go on and on, but that is the problem, isn't it.
I wonder when I'm going to make it stop and what I'm going to do about it. Like I always do.......

Hudson's Shots

Today, my almost six month old son gets his second round of shots. Polio, rubella, measles and the like. The doctors tell you well in advance that it hurts. The kid will scream. I am going because my wife no likey the needles. I have had to prepare, accompany and hold the hand of my wife when she has to get a shot many times and it will be a job of mine throughout our lives together. Its not fun..... she cries, shakes, hyperventilates and swears like a tourette's victim. Today, my son will scream for a little while, suck on a bottle, maybe run a bit of a fever and sleep it off. I wonder if my son has any fears yet? When they develop and why? Today he will likely forget as soon as he wakes up. I wish wifey could do that...

Ultra Sights and sounds

I had an ultrasound last weekend after 2 straight weeks of weird in and out dull knife abdominal pain. I sweated it out doing furious internet research on appendicitis, intestinal polyps, duodenal ulcers with a twist of acid reflux, and of course, cancer.
I had no bloody stool, no rusty pee, no puketastic flashes, no fever for the flavor...nada. But still two days on, one day off weird pain, jetting out of my lymph nodes and sprinkling glass like shards down into remote capillary isles of pain punches in my ankles and wrists. I had a steak with lemon pepper and a late nite bowl of mini wheats last wed. and around 1 am it felt like I had been de bowelled.....so what the fuck? I got the results a couple days ago. NOTHING. No polyp, no tear, no leak, no tumor, no stone, no fecal blockage. So was it all in my head? Is the stress creeping up like a corduroy straight jacket and settling in for the season? I'm going to a gastro astrologist intestinal anthropologist next week to see what he can't find. The stomach is a weird place where all of your troubles end up every once in a while, shoot the shit, play parcheesi and drop kick your cavities for laughs.

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Where the Hell Have I Been

Here's your answer...changing diapers, up at 12, 330am, 4am, buying red bull, checking crow's feet, installing new car seats,looking at elephant knees, getting offered a job at SF MOMA and turning it down, checking in on my sister(she's doing better), flying home to go to an Aerosmith concert with my sister, meeting Joe Perry and Steven Tyler, adjusting to new sleep hours every other day(also getting better), watching Hudson change and grow and smile and react to Mom and Dad more every Day,going on vacation to Los Angeles and Las Vegas, killing black widow spiders, losing at slots, feeling really old at the Hard Rock Casino, laughing at the guy from Nickelback, having a transcending experience at Beatles Love: Cirque Du Soleil at the Mirage Hotel and casino, seeing Survivor creator Mark Burnett in the audience, being escorted out of two casino floors with a baby stroller, taking a long road trip back to San Francisco in 100 degree plus driving weather with a baby trapped in his carseat,watching the end of summer roll away like SF fog, readying myself for new seasons of Survivor, Lost and CSI, watching an anti climactic Rockstar Supernova season with the infamous Goth Hobbit taking the frontman prize, Buying 0 cds and seeing 0 movies since Hudson was born, watching new gray hairs creep in and nestle themselves around my ears every day, making 200 friends on myspace whom I will never meet, reading The Devils Teeth( a book about the GW shark watchers on the Farallones islands off the coast of SF), Eragon by Chris Paolini- a young adult novel about a boy and his dragon,Here, There and Everywhere- A memoir by Geoff Emerick : sound engineer for the Beatles, cursing the VMAs, watching my ipod battery fade to nothing, spending quality time with my wife and the Hud Man...................so thats what I've been doing.

Miracles

Hello...its been a while. We've been bringing up a baby and blogging really takes a backseat to that. Hudson Finn is changing every day. He has these miraculous little smiles that miraculously wash away everything that might have "clogged your pipes" that day. They sneak up on you during a bottle.They creep out during a post diaper change moment of clarity. Sometimes the corners of his mouth curl up in a smile as the milk rolls down his chin. I hold him facing out in front of a full length mirror and he grins wide eyed as he checks out his own reflection as well as the long haired caveman holding him up. Pamela has been singing quite a bit to him. Old MacDonald, a song called Head Shoulders Knees and Toes, and the occasional chick rock. Don't worry, I slip in my Beatles and Zep. He'll know Zeppelin IV by heart buy the time he's two.

My sister has recently been diagnosed with cancer and she got some good news the other day. She has been an unstoppable force and an inspiration to my daily routine. Her impenetrable determination on the frontlines of her fight along with Pamela and my new life as parents has allowed me to find a miracle or two within every day. I am proud of her and proud to be her big brother. Make sure you take a minute or two to discover a miracle in your life. It will be easier than you think. Take care today.

Hudson Finn Barry

We have a son! Pamela and I welcomed our son Hudson into the world on June 10th. He weighed in at 7lbs 15 oz, was 21 inches long. He's been doing alot of sleeping and eating and we haven't. He has not sat in on a podcast yet, but will soon. Heres a picture for you......

More Preggo Pics

Here we are in the final month of this journey. My wife is ready,believe me. she's been a real trooper. Here's more photographic evidence of an impending birth.

Happy Anniversary to Seano and Jefe

No, we haven't secretly been married but we have been doing the show for a year, so Happy Anniversary to us! When I look back at what we've done I'm proud. I'd like to Thank Anthony for being the best East Coast producer and for all of his help, Jane for her web page work and suggestions, Jefe for making the trip from Sacramento every week to do the show and most of all my wife Pamela for her guidance, advice and for putting up with everything involved with doing the show from our office in the apartment. Thanks to the audience too, we know some of you are still listening. Seano

Show # 40 : Breastfeeding and Blender

Yes, I finally went to breastfeeding class with my wife and it wasn't that bad. I got to see some video of strange milk filled boobies hanging down to several ladies knees and I took vigorous notes. We learned that initially each feeding lasts 30 or 40 minutes and you have to alternate boobs. No wonder those nips get all cut and chafed. That's a lot of eating! There's a variety of products for women with "problem Boobs" like the nipple shell which turns that inverted nipple frown upside down! Sadly , a woman's breast will return to its former size a short while after breastfeeding starts. You see! I'm an expert now. Although all my life I've been sort of a breast man and this breastfeeding thing is most likely going to slightly alter that . But its the best thing we can do for little Huckle, Straw, Dingle or whatever he or she's name will be.

Show #37

We've all done ridiculous things to win the affections of a certain someone we fancy, and on this show we air it out. We titled the segment "The top three stupid things we did to get laid", but in my case, I didn't even score with two out of the three ladies. Here's my abbreviated list.

1) Wrote at least 20 haikus tailored to the conversations I had with a co-worker, slipped them under her office door. Results: nada.
2) Asked a co-worker to teach me how to make pasta and sauce as an excuse to meet her at her apartment for a "cooking lesson". Result: she actually thought I wanted to learn how to cook pasta and shunned my advances. I went home with some cold limp linguini of my own.
3) I sang a Doors song (Love Me Two Times) in a girls ear after trying to get further during a make-out session in suburbia somewhere. This girl had been sort of a groupie to the cover band I was in at the time and once mentioned to me that she thought I looked like Jim Morrison. Result: She loved me once, not twice right there on the lawn.


Jefe, being the suave linguist that he is has a much better record than I, but you'll just have to listen to the show to hear his. Please comment here with your own stupidity of the amorous kind.

Baby Bump, Baby's Room

Its Getting pretty close now...were in the 7 1/2 month. Here's the bump, and a few shots of what I've done to the nursery.....

 

Show# 33: 25 Classic Rock Songs We Never Need to Hear Again

Show #33 contained a discussion of the 25 classic rock songs we never need to hear again. Since jefe and I both did a list , we came up with fifty. I am not typing them all in, thats for damn sure, but here's a list of the top 10 from Seano...
Seano
1) Touch of Grey- G. Dead
2)Oye Como Va- Santana
3) Taking Care of Business- BTO
4) Jet Airliner-Steve Miller
5) Down on the Corner-CCR
6)Old Time Rock and Roll- Bob Seger
7)Beast of Burden-Rolling Stones
8) Light my Fire-The Doors
9) Blinded by the Light -Manfred Mann
10) Come on Eileen- Dexy's Midnight Runners

Jefe
1) Never Been any Reason-Head East
2) American Girl-Tom Petty
3) Margaritaville-Jimmy Buffett
4) Bohemian Rhapsody-Queen
5) Crocodile Rock-Elton John
6) Walk The Line- Johnny cash
7) Tainted Love- Soft Cell
8) Respect- Aretha Franklin
9) Dock of the Bay- Otis Redding
10) Walk This Way-Aerosmith

Not too many suprises there..Check out the show as we tear into many more. I made a note that my Top 5 Had 4 Bay area bands and I was not even aware of it, until after the list was done.
I'd love for anyone out there to add to this list. Please add your own in a reply... maybe we could get a petition going to send to Clear Channel. maybe people should all have mp3 players or satellite so they can put bad radio to bed forever.

Show# 31: The Interview Show

This show was realllyyy lonnnng, but here's your reward. A picture of the media shy Seano and Jefe at a Grateful Dead show in late June, 1988. GG, Jefe's brother , is in the middle.

I had no idea where I was, but eventually found Jerry, er, Jefe sulking in the beer line.
GG still looks the same(damn him), while I cut a pound of hair off and Jefe went gray.As for GG, I wouldn't be suprised if he still has that poncho. 

Show #30 : Top 30 Regrets

on our 30th show, we discussed our 30 biggest (or smallest) regrets. For the people who say "I have no regrets." Bullshit on you. Everybody does. You've got to really think about it. I'm sure you'll come up with some super meaningless ones like me, but its still fun, See, regrets are all about fun. Here's my top 10
1) Not finishing college. 80 credits, no degree
2) Running away when childhood friend Brian fell off of a fence in my yard and cracked his head open.
3) Not taking my great dog Blarney on more NYC walks during his last 2 years
4) Not accepting one offer from any of the 20 or so bands who wanted me to join them during my years in NYC.
5) Not seeing Robert Plant at the paramount Theatre in Oakland,CA this past November
6) Wasting so much time being depressed and unproductive following 2 crushing heartbreaks.
7) I regret every time I raise my voice and it hurts my wife's feelings.
8) Not continuing on with guitar lessons for the three times in my life that I've tried.
9) Not returning the advances of old VJ Tabitha Soren in a bar in Seattle in 1995.
10) Being known as " the king of blown opportunities" by my longtime circle of friends.

We each did fifteen, (Jefe and I)....I forget Jefe's list, but he did say....that beer, that last beer.

I'd love to hear some of yours...You can be anonymous if you think you can't handle it, just don't say something like, I regret ever listening to your show. That would hurt my feelings and I'll regret it later.

Here's My Pregnant Wife on a Recent Hike

She looks real good, huh? Now is about the only time she walks as slow as me on a hike. We stopped for burgers on the way. 

This is my Glowing Seven Months Pregnant Wife

She looks great, doesn't she? 

Show # 29: You are "Still Hungry"

On this show we discussed my trip to Cafe Graditude...the most vegan of vegan restaurants in San Francisco. Boy Howdy what a meal...not. But the presentation was like hippy dinner theatre and very poetic. Those vegans all talk in tones just above a whisper....whirling around, so happy to be chewing for at least 40 percent of their time spent on earth. I almost lost a tooth chewing on my bruschetta which was mostly nuts. As were most of the patrons at this place. I saw a couple of the waitresses on a smoke break. Way to go, Sunshine.

We discussed the Oscars, but you'll have to listen to the show for that discussion. My three fingers are tired from all of this typing. Love Ya, Mean It

Show # 28: Two Bad Apples , One Bad Ear

In this episode we talked about how my laptop bit the dust and how convenient it is when an entire cup of tea gets dumped on the scroll wheel of your ipod.......The laptop is still broken..and it had a file with all of the possible baby names on it..so that made our day. As for the ipod ...I pick it up on wednesday. It cost me 140 dollars to fix......they're going for 130-150 dollars on ebay. So I'm a genius.
We also discussed my leaky ear. THAT still works, but it still leaks.
Kanye West that big dumb idiot was also discussed, he lost the grammy race that he really wanted, and that made me so happy that my ear stopped leaking for a while.

Show #27 : Going Solo

We discussed the survey of the Greatest Guitar solos of all time on aboutguitars.com. Here's their list....
10) Crossroads- Eric Clapton
9) Crazy Train-Randy Rhoads
8) Hotel California-Don Felder and Joe Walsh
7) One- Kirk Hammett(Metallica)
6) November Rain (GnR)- Slash
5) All Along the Watchtower- Jimi Hendrix
4) Comfortably Numb-David Gilmour
3) Freebird- Gary Rossington and Allen Collins
2) Eruption- Eddie Van Halen
1) Stairway to Heaven-Jimmy Page

I said most of those were ok except for November Rain....I think Slash is a great guitarist but his solos are all wanking off and way too long sometimes. The Hotel California solo is memorable..but not worthy of the top 10 of all time.

Here's my top 10 or so favorites( I don't like saying "best"). These are the ones that bring me back to somewhere else or immediately spring me into air guitar mode. I'm a very good air guitarist by the way. These are in no particular order:


1) Over the Mountain- Randy Rhoads(Ozzy)
2) Freewill- Alex Lifeson(Rush)
3)Reelin' in the Years-Elliott Randall(steely dan)
4) Shoot to Thrill -Angus Young
5)Man in the Box- Jerry Cantrell(alice in chains)
6) Rainbow in the Dark- Vivian Campbell(Dio)- he went on to suck in Def Leppard
7) Hitch a Ride-Tom Scholz (Boston)
8) Riviera Paradise- Stevie Ray Vaughan
9) Freeway Jam-Jeff Beck... so many , but I picked this one
10) Flight of Icarus-Dave Murray and Adrian Smith(Iron Maiden)
11) Red House- Jimi Hendrix
12) Feel Your Love Tonight- Eddie Van Halen( VH)
13) War Pigs-Tony Iommi (Sabbath)
14)Since I've Been Loving You-Jimmy Page( Led Zeppelin)...too many to choose from.but this song always kicks my ass.
Honorable Mentions
15) Joe Perry- anything off the Aerosmith album "Rocks"
16) Richie Blackmore-Solo from "Lazy" off the Machine Head album- thats Deep Purple for anyone playing at home

Why don't you add your own....if you're not too young and have no idea what a guitar "solo" is...

Show #26 : The Gay Show

Jefe's interview with me regarding my mother's homosexuality in episode #26 could have been better. I hope I didn't sound like I was attacking my Mother because I was not. I love my Mom. Its been over 12 years since my mothers exodus and I'm completely fine with her choices and her lifestyle. I'm not as close to her as I once was. It's something I regret, and can't really pinpoint the origins of, other than the fact that she's lived in Florida for the past decade. I don't really see her as much as I used to, and I miss her, epspecially now when we're just about to have a baby.

As for the interview.....well , when my Mother left, it was a time of great turmoil, more than our suburban upbringings could handle.....it was very much a story...with alot of ugliness and hurt. It had twists and weirdness unlike anything I had witnessed prior. For the first year or two I hovered in protective mode, for the sake of my brother's well being and to give my Dad a break.
I wasn't really affected by my Mother's leaving until 5 years after, and after a long term of silence between her and the rest of our family, I sought her out, just like I used to when in emotional neediness as a teen.....some barriers were broken and we welcomed her and her partner Alix back into our lives.
My mother and Alix strangely flow in and out of my life now...its weird but she has almost daily conversations with my sister and her grandkids and I go months without speaking to her. I honestly have no reason for that other than the distance....of which I wish there was less.......

Show #25 : The 700 Dollar Bag

So I said I'd post a picture of the 700 Dollar bag that my wife bought in New York City. I'm just putting the picture up, no info, no link to where you can buy it. Any company who slaps some leather together , surrounds it with glossy promos in all the ladies magazines, thus tricking the mildly fashion minded female that its a must have, doesn't need my help. I'm disgusted, remember? A cow was killed for wadded kleenex, lip gloss and breath mints. Moo-Hoo.