Sunday, September 13, 2009

2009 MTV Video Music Awards Predictions

I am so excited.
Its The VMAs.
And if you believe that, come on over and I'll show you my extremely rare collection of illegally extracted gold plated teeth..taken from sleeping hip hop artists. I'm a big fan of alls kinds 'a grills.

Text me when its over.

Here are my predictions...

Lots of vampires representin' everything...while around them in tight suits, sitting clueless in their seats (wondering how to sue the next 12 year old girl who downloaded 20 Taylor Swift mp3s) are the real bloodsuckers.

Beyonce will be nominated and win for most appearances on consecutive award shows. She will pick up her moon man and quickly rush off to a waiting lear jet a la Phil Collins to take her to the Slovenian Soul Train awards held live in Ljubljana.

Lady Gaga picks up her award for best Butterface/Poker face in a Video. She wears a mask and walks in backwards, showing her good side.

Kanye West will get his Jaw wired shut again by an angry mob after complaining about not winning a video music award from a network that doesn't play video music.
(update-Kanye sabotaged Taylor Swift's acceptance speech proclaiming that Beyonce made the "best video of all time".... fo' real.)

The allure of Green Day will continue to baffle me, but they will show up and win something(and Drummer Tre Cool will make a kooky "why am I here meets Ridalin face)

The commercials will all be Tweens chillin' at Sears wearing sideways caps and skateboarding through hallways at schools/malls "rocking" to the not too loud soundtrack provided by the Walt Disney company.

Michael Jackson will be honored by every person in the room who stole his moves, kissed his ass and dropped him like a Hot Pocket during his alleged "diddling phase".

Katy Perry will lip sync into a plastic banana, fuck up the words,grab her crotch and I will melt..drifting off and wishing I was a banana.

At around 11pm, after being inundated with hip hop flavoring in every commercial/segment/back up band/wardrobe change/nominee and acceptance speech...I will suddenly be washed over with a change of heart, drop my pretty playa hatin' machine and embrace the fun, the quality and the overall educationally influential message of hip brought to tears by the eloquence and importance of any one with a Single consenant or a 'Lil in front of their name and see God in every rhyme...feel the future in every slick beat........then be woken up by a cat licking his balls next to me.

Oh the kingdom, and the power and the glory of music....


  1. I would have loved to watch this with you last night (NOT), but I had a Green Bay Packer game to watch. They beat the Bears!!!
    I see Taylor won and made Kanye mad and Michael was sainted.

  2. Thanks for watching it for me, I just don't do this show. I had to laugh at your Kanye prediction since it was so right on.

    I was watching the Packers game too :)