Saturday, September 05, 2009

The Fuse is Lit

Like the title of the post says: This one ain't for the timid. This one ain't even for the people who know me and expect this kind of venom from miserable old me..I'm gonna sound like a cantankerous old coot who missed a day of his meds and left the trap door from his head to hell open....screws loose everywhere...wanting to hock loogies made of lava and strychnine at the world sort of mood....this high horse needs to be put down.

I have been away for a week again, up in NYC w/o a functioning fucking laptop and flat out refusing to sit at an internet cafe after some grimy tourist had been there trolling for bad broadway tickets and smelling like smoke.... just to post and complain about all of the little things in life that perturb me. So I'll do it on my labor day weekend vacation instead.

Ticketmaster/Live Nation: I am unloading the biggest angriest fuck you to this company today after failing to get Them Crooked Vulures tickets for the Philadelphia show on Oct. 12. Tickets went onsale at 10am today and I was there searching at 10:00000000000000000000000000000001 am TO NO AVAIL. NO CHANCE. OUT OF LUCK, BUCKO. Shot to the heart and you're to blame.

I'm sorry but there is NO WAY I should not have gotten through. THEM CROOKED VULTURES are not the Stones/U2/Springsteen/Phish or even Miley Jonas Cyrus and the High School Musicalists, OK!!! Them Crooked Vultures could not have sold out in less than one minute. Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Mr. Irving Azoff(look it up) and your foaming-at-the-mouth monopoly mongering flunkies!!!!!Fuck off! You allow scalpers with criminal line cracking software to digitally bully themselves in and jack all of the tickets and sell them on Stub Hub or Tickets Now at a maddening premium that only the sons and daughters of Hedge Fund managers can buy with Dad's credit card...pile all of their abysmally clueless turd gurgling friends into the Land Rover and down to the concert because its a scene...because somebody TWITTERED them to....because everyone in a one million mile radius is a blind and deaf lemming with the attention span of a fly post-windshield obliteration...with the attention span of 140 characters and a squat copped and a bedet cleanse. Fuck people. Stay away from most people, it's easier and there's less angry writing involved.

THE TRUE FANS LOSE with LIVE NATION/TICKETMASTER. THE FANS Will never win with a merger so preposterous as this. The fans should start staying home... Then artists will lose money from lack of regular tour revenue...unable to put a sixth car in the garage or feed a cadre of illegitimate kids and baby mamas...and will draw blood en masse at the Live Nation Headquarters. Irving Azoff will be de boweled in midtown Manhattan and stuffed with crumpled up "extra processing fee" printouts from a million rabid "customers" with blood in their eyes. His body will become a pyre of pyres for the true fans(survivors) to gather at once a year decades from now to mark the emancipation from Live Nation holiday that will become a US pastime three years from now coinciding with the much warned about end of days taken from the ancient Mayan Calendar. Those left on earth after the Apocalypse or War of Greed as it will be known will always point to the Live Nation/Ticketmaster merger as the catalyst or spark for the War Of Greed, just like Franz Ferdinand or Hitler or Dick Cheney were for the wars they are sparks of....

Yes, I do believe that if this happens to enough TRUE FANS of any band...who can't even get a fucking ticket to see that band in their own goddamn city unless they sell a kidney,win the gene lottery, pay a cretinous scalper or suck someone off on a casting couch or in a green room somewhere...that the built up anger between the haves(of Ticketmaster) and the have nots(the hardworking lay person) over this proposed merger could very well be the spark that starts WWIII !

I for one am ready for blood now. Where are my fucking SPARTANS????
First we start with an army of ninja like true fans armed with tasers to the tenth degree to surround the scalpers all stealth like at the shows. You've seen 'em. Just look for someone on a corner near a venue with dreadlocks and dirty jeans walking really fast at times....ambush his punk ass with some fine voltage to his tailbone or the back of his grimy neck and as the tickets fly out of his hands to be scooped up by a chosen re-distributor of our clan, you reach down with your hand hovering over his face cradling some fine red Krylon and spray "FACE VALUE, MOTHERFUCKER" all over his Patriots jersey. We redistribute the tickets through fan forums and blogs like this one, and notify those interested in our day of show ambush of a parking lot where they can get their face value tickets from the back of a mid nineties minivan.

We can do this. I know we can. Peaceful protest and parades are for pussies. No retreat! Get a seat!

Repeat after me: NO RETREAT,ENJOY YOUR SEAT.
NO RETREAT,ENJOY YOUR SEAT!!!!

This is our new rallying cry! We've got three years before 2012...I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames!!!!

4 comments:

  1. Sean you are so right on! Life is just so different now. We are victims of "the game", but only if we choose to be. No retreat...enjoy your seat...no retreat...enjoy your seat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah, but how do you REALLY feel?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree, wholeheartedly, with every word. I was reading recently about Van Halen withholding prime real estate at the venues on their last tour, giving the tickets to scalpers and then getting a cut back after people were raped for purchasing these tickets.

    Reportedly, each member of VH made an extra million at the end of the tour as a result of this "arrangement".

    It really shows a lack of respect for the people that made them.

    ReplyDelete
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