Thursday, January 28, 2010

People in My "Go Away" Department Part 756

Yeah, its a good day for another rant. Why does this differ from any other day, those who are familiar with COF may ask? Because I'm blogging from a library. I'm now likened to one of those stumblebums who dig in ashtrays for spent butts, survive on a diet of happy meals and ripple...and spend most of their winter days in libraries...where they loaf around, pretending to read the paper(cmon, we all know they can't read) and magazines like Road and Track and Jet...but really they're just staying warm.

Look at all of the judging and profiling I just spewed out in that first paragraph..I should be ashamed of myself...Well, I would be..I would have more time to think about writing before I speak..1) If I was in my own home(which presently has no internet)  2) If I had my own laptop..which sadly, I no longer do because my 4 year old Toshiba finally shit the bed,chock full of virus,crackware and bloated with files I'll never use. So here I am, next to a fermenting bocephus with an orange smoke stained mustache and the sweat soaked rotting overcoat he lives in...

Cool...I just got "timed out" after forty five minutes of two- fingered tapping at one library, and now I am at my second library...I am draped in awesomeness today! Awesome! The scenery here is different, but the characters are similar...I love that the guy across from me is keeping time with his phlegm -hawking. Just about every minute and a half..his throat gets re- cleared and I lose further faith in humanity.....I should have sprayed hand sanitizer all over my body or donned a Hazmat suit....but I was too busy rushing to this library to get on a computer before Clem Clamshooter.

Forgive me if I'm off my game and years away from getting one of those fancy Tablets all of the geek squad is squabbling about. The only tablet I need has to be smuggled into the US via someone's low low lower intestine or bought in the same alley that my man to the right crawled out of this morning.
So let's RANT.  How about a continuation of a lifelong thread I keep called "People in my Go-Away Dept."????

Today I'm all about that hollow headed non -entity, blank slate of a human called "Will I Am" from the "Black Eyed Peas".  First he had the nerve to be expelled from his mother's uterus..and then he deemed himself an artist and found Stacy Ferguson(Fergie!??...Anyone more than 20 years old ever heard of  The Duchess of York..Sarah Ferguson..the first and only Fergie? Couldn't come up with anything original, Stace? She's royalty motherfucker!) snorting unpure meth in an LA Red Roof Inn  room somewhere and blubbering about her failed foray into Pop with Wild Orchid (or Bloody Rose or whatever the fuck it was) and asks her to join his "band"..gets two other individuals with fresh grooves and fauhawks , who are wasting space just poppin' and lockin' and doin' nothin' else... Then Mr. I AM writes a bevvy of awful, soul-less, lowest common denominator "hits" that people sing and ringtone to death during  stressless times in life like these...which are apparently symmetrical with  Pepsi commercials.

......and all of the sudden this fool has the "respect" of the legitimate "rock" community. He says no to nothing.  He has fucked with Dylan's "Forever Young" in an ad for soda. He co-wrote(that's fucking hilarious)a song on the latest U2 album( c'mon Bono, are you that desperate to stay relevant? This guy writes lyrics that come to him while he's tweeting on the toilet. He can poop out two songs with every trip to the bowl).
And I read  here  that he's now working with Slash( Slash, please say no to something...stop it already..we don't care about a GnR reunion, we don't give a flying puke about Velvet Revulva..don't be sad..but are you really this bored and worried about keeping your name out there waiting for the next call from a "producer"  to remix.....wait for it...The Who's- My Generation.

Let me guess..this song was "broken" very dated...and somebody chose Wil I Am to revamp and update it for a new generation.of Pepsi drinkin', poppin and lockin'. textin tweens..yea,yea yea..thats what I'm talkin' 'bout.!!!! He even says in the article that he altered the lyric to fit his generation now. Who the fuck knew that he was the poster child for taste and substance and music for me and my tweetin' poppin', lockin' peeps? OR ANY GENERATION. He writes songs that roll around peoples heads like superballs...just bouncing endlessly into stray thoughts while they hop around a club hyped up on red bull and vodka, fist pumping until their spray on tans get sweated off and they look like vitilago victims...I picture Mr. I Am busting out his genius as a knob twiddler "Yo..Slash we need a hot solo with way too many notes right about here, yo."

This song is about saying FUCK YOU to all of the people who may disagree with your beliefs, preferences,dress,music, etc. It's about taking pride in rebelling against the MASSES....and Pete Townshend knows it.(another guy who says no to nothing) And he picked Wil I AM to softball it up to the mall shopping lemmings at the fucking Super Bowl....???!!!  With 50 million drunk and bloated sheep watching from home? Am I fucking dreaming??? Cue the fireworks during Slashes solo. Drink your sugary drink..cue the cheerleaders juxtaposed with Roger Daltrey's mic swirl..and scene.. I don't care if the money goes to Haiti...pick a fucking Mariah Carey hackjob ballad and lay off my WHO.

This is one of those songs that SHOULD NEVER BE TOUCHED.....ever. No remix, retouch, re-do, NOTHING.  And  Will I Am is a purveyor of NOTHING. He's like a substitute for saccharine..flipping the peace sign from behind that another dead air anthem.

And my time is up at the library again......where people do everything but read books.


  1. I guess it is Will I Am's way of keeping his name at the top of the charts. I agree he is the lowest common denominator as far as musical talent is concerned. As far as Pete agreeing to such an endeavor he is a probably still trying to pay off the children he had on his computer. Its too bad to because the Who used to be one of my favorite bands. I have to block Petes indescretion now everytime I listen to them.

  2. You're in rare form today, Seano! I don't think I would recognize a Black-Eyed Peas song, all I know is that I don't like them and I was not happy about "Fergie" stealing the real Fergie's name either. Its not a very pretty name so I don't know why any chick would want to be called that in the first place, it always reminds me of an old man with no teeth (or like the guy that was near you in the library).

    I don't think I am going to watch the halftime show this year. Last year's was perfect.

    I hope you get your internet connection back at home soon.

    Oh yeah - I was at my library today too. Checked out about 7 books.

  3. Yeah, all that shit reminds me of Puff Diddy Doo Doo teaming up with Jimmy Page to rehash Kashmir into a song called "Come With Me". Still have the shudders thinking about it!

  4. This'd be fuckin' funny, Seano if it weren't so fuckin' sad. But you're spot on too, by my reckoning. I thank whatever deity or existential philosophical creature you may or may not believe in that I was born on the other side of the planet and, while I admire much of what your fair country has to offer, am pleased I am not inundated with some of the unadulterated crap you have face every day. If I believed in God, I'd pray for you.

    As for Pete, I'm disappointed, sir, deeply disappointed.

  5. Anonymous9:59 AM

    "We are joined now via hologram by Mr. Will.I.Am ...."

    When I saw this on election night I started to believe in the 2012 prophecies - terrifying. This trick should be reserved for Princess Leia alone. Now THAT'S royalty.

  6. Don't mince words, Bones. How do you REALLY feel?

  7. More importantly - how would you describe the "facilities" at the library?
    Like a holiday inn lobby or closer to Nick Tahou's stank-rooms?
    Thanks for sharing.

  8. Temperature check on the current state of the so-called "music business": Now with less soul than ever!

    If you thought it was bad before, check out those four guys on horses charging over the hill. It's about to get much worse.

    I am disappointed, though not surprised, to hear of the latest round of tampering. Townshend has no reservations about crass commerce and he has always been quite up front about it. So another truckload of money will roll up to his door. Which works out nicely for him.

    The sad part is that Will.Iam,Shatner or whatever the fuck this dolt calls himself, is another in a long line of "artists" whose main purpose in life is to take out a sharpie and scribble a quick beard and moustache on the Mona Lisa. He and those of his ilk, regardless of the genre that they are working in, are not capable of producing anything of lasting quality or substance.

    When the deed is done, it will send a clear message to all of the other talentless fucks with access to ProTools:

    "Hey everybody! Let's set side two of Abbey Road to a click track, stick a fat smelly 808 over everything, remove the lyrics, extract two notes, loop them and talk over it. Tonight's gonna be a good night."

    is there a hole for me to get sick in?

  9. All I could think when reading this was, "Awesome, Sean got to sit next to Ian Anderson's inspiration for Aqualung in the library... I hope he at least got an autograph."

    As for covers of My Generation. I like Green Day's cover from their Kerplunk album back in the early 90s... but that and of course the original by The Who are the only two versions I enjoy listening to.