Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Best/Worst Rock Girlfriends/Wives

Game 6 is on tonight..Here in Philly being a Yankee fan is about as fun as being gay in I stay home and watch baseball here where I can pace in my living room. I think often about filling my mouth with leftover pumpkin seeds and chewing them up and spit throttling them all over my own personal "dugout" here, but it would be horrific to pick 'em out of the carpet after the 9th inning.

The camera often pans the crowd and, when at Yankee Stadium, a plethora of fair weather Kate Hudson, who happens to be greasing up A-Rods bat regularly these days, are shown in the stands wearing oversized Yankee gear and spewing out faux cheer. Makes me freakin' ill, it does. Boy she has really gotten around, hasn't she...which got me thinking, and inspired me to come up with today's list..The Best/Worst Rock Girlfriends/Wives(yeah, she's on there) . Not much where and why on this one....just the facts, ma'am.


5) Joan Baez/ Bob Dylan- Joan kept his folk in check and inspired some of his wordiest brilliance....everyone after her just made him cranky, made him find religion and made him mumble more.

4) Linda McCartney/Paul McCartney-For the most part, she kept Paul a family man, and they were only apart for one evening during their 20 plus years together..she was in his band and graciously accepted that her voice should be kept WAY Down in the mix....that's teamwork, THAT'S love.

3) June Carter/Johnny Cash- June, an accomplished singer and songwriter long before she was a cash.. took no mess, co- wrote "Ring of Fire" and then lived it through with Johnny...she also got him off drugs and booze and back to some of the most productive years of his life. He obviously could not live w/o her since they died 5 months apart in 2003.

2) Paulina Porizkova/Rik Ocasek- One of the most beautiful dames in her day...could have had ANYBODY and chose one of the most hideous men in rock...and she's still with him. Either he has a magic penis(I'm sure that's what "Magic " was about) or she has a heart of infinite measure.

1) Patti Boyd/ George Harrison/Eric Clapton-  Patti Boyd has dumped a Beatle, had a fling with a Stone,broken up a couple marriages, sent guitarists into heroin fueled tailspins and was a major cause of pain for 2 of the greatest rock guys(maybe more)....BUT, name me ONE other rock wife/girlfriend with 2 of the greatest classic rock songs of all time written about her and several more just OK ones)...Lets see...Layla, Something, Wonderful Tonight, Bell Bottom Blues, For You Blue....Shit! Damn!  Doesn't it make you want to see what she's got goin' on down there?  I don't know about now..she's, like a grandma...but back then, she looked like this


5) Kate Hudson/Chris Robinson...and who knows who else.  Kate falls in love like I change underwear, frequently and when things are no longer fresh. She's fickle..she probably caused Rich to hate Chris even more, named her son after a Grateful Dead song she probably never heard and she lays it down often for pretty much anyone(actors,musicians,ball players, pipe fitters, rickshaw drivers, eunuchs)...Kate, dear... less fucking, more acting, Kay?

4) Susan Silver/ Chris Cornell-  Cornell's ex wife Susan used to manage Alice in Chains and Soundgarden and went bonkers soon after she and Chris split up....forcing the other Soundgarden members to conspire against Chris and refusing to give him his numerous guitars, two grammys, demo tapes and journals from the house they shared in Seattle. Lots of lawsuits drove Chris crazy enough to join Audioslave and befriend Timberland, thus making his legacy really soft in the middle.

3) Janna Lapidus/SRV- Janna was Stevie's girlfriend in 1990 and was so goddamn needy and co-dependant that she made him take a helicopter after a concert in Wisconsin to reunite with her in Chicago instead of taking the 2 and a half hour drive with his brother Jimmie....the rest is history.

2) Sharon Osbourne/Ozzy- Sharon needs a bigger house than the one she had last week and another full time hairdresser for her seventh dog so she keeps pushing Ozzy out the door and onto the stage and counts the money as he drools and tremors through "Mama I'm Coming Home" for the hundred millionth time.

1) Yoko/John- Was there any doubt that she would be my number one worst mate?...a billion people can't be wrong, if you think I am. If you read any Beatle's bio or history..which have varying accounts of the end/demise of the greatest band ever...there is ONE constant in all of them....and that's YOKO. She showed up in Abbey Road's Studio 3 in 1968 during the White Album sessions... and never left...the ONLY outsider ever to be allowed in(albeit by a strung out,disillusioned, angry, nervous John Lennon).  If that didn't suck enough for the others, she started putting her "art school" two cents in....poor John...if he only could have come out of his anxiety ridden thought processes, he might have figured out that 1) Avant garde really means "too hip for the room". 2) Scream therapy wasn't going to bring his mother back  3) Yoko was NEVER a musician and his "Lost Weekend" should have started in 1968 and never ended.

Honorable mentions  : Nancy Spungen/Sid,  Tawny Kitaen/Coverdale,  Erin Everly/Axl,  Pamela Courson/Jim Morrison.

Boy I would love to hear your two cents worth.  Let's hold hands and do a little of our own scream therapy.


  1. Yoko allegedly was targeting McCartney before she got around to Lennon. The ultimate head trip on John included a "you don't need those other three guys to be great", which is always a recipe for disaster. It always comes back to Aesop's "Fox and the Crow" and the story always ends the same way...

  2. Ok, You will hear my two cents worth. I pretty much agree with your choices. I assume you were joking about what you said about Ric and Paulina. By hideous I assume you mean ugly. Yes he is but my guess is that he is a wonderful person that makes her happy, loves her and she LOVES him that's why she stuck with him. Women don't stick around cause of a magic penis, that may be the original attraction but intelligent, interesting women need much more. I know you know all this but I happen to find less attractive men to sometimes be the BEST lovers/boyfriends because they aren't used to getting their way just cause they look good. You know - those conceited types that act like they are doing you a favor by asking you out. Give me an average or even homely guy with a big heart any day over a good looking one that is arrogant airhead. Actually scratch everything I just said obviously I am a terrible judge of character and am never dating another man again. Know any nice women?

  3. Barb, You crack me up. Yes, Paulina is everything you say she is, and truly loves Ric...that is why she is in the BEST column. There seems to be nothing un- genuine about her.

  4. I remember I had a few roommates when I first got to San Francisco and one of them was a HUGE Beatle fan and for some reason he bought into the whole Yoko art skool crap and thought it was great. They would be like "No just don't get it.." and I would be like..."NO...I totally get it and its total fucking crap..." The only good thing she did for Lennon was wisely invest his money....which im told tripled his earnings....but of course that made no difference after December 1980 rolled around. ALSO - Sean you owe it to yerself to read the book that Lindsey Buckinghams 1970s-1980s girlfriend (Carol Harris) wrote. Yeah they were not married but they were together for like 7 or 8 years...and o my goodnees does she dish out about LB. Along with doing tons of drugs and occassionally have seizures that almost killed him, he supposedly slapped her around real good - a few punches and some hands wrapped around her neck. Its crazy stuff and unfortunatley I have not been able to listen to Lindsey or FM the same way since. Ya know, "Go yer own way"....but im beat the hell out of you before I let you go...crazee stuff...

  5. I have to disagree on the Yoko/Lennon point. I am not a big fan of her but if you look at the Beatles' output, Lennon wasn't writing much in 1967. Yeah he came up with four or five classics but this is the period where he lost interest and The Beatles became Paul's band. Listen to the first 6 albums - they are mostly Lennon songs.

    Enter Yoko in 1968 and all of a sudden he is inspired again. Whether he was writing out of pain, love, addiction, etc, he kicked it back into high gear when he hooked up with her, and it lasted through his first few solo albums (Plastic Ono Band and Imagine - both total classics that may not have happened w/o her in his life). Maybe replace that #1 spot with Kurt Cobain/Courtney Love. Now there's a fun couple!

  6. Oh and I am sure there were loads of people telling all four Beatles "you don't need the other three." That happens in every big band.

  7. I disagree. He got his lazy ass in gear and ditched LSD for that period in early '68 while in Rishikesh. During this time, he wrote just about everything that would count until the Beatle venture exploded. His best solo work was done while under the spell of Dr. Art Janov. When Janov told him that it would be healthier for him to ditch Ms. Ono (thus dropping the co-dependent trip) he fled and retreated into more tunes left over from the late 60's (Imagine). After that, his work went into steep decline, from which he only semi-recovered while separated from Yoko (Walls and Bridges) Had he not been foolish enough to return to "Mother" he may have recovered his muse and done something decent. I'm a fan, but I see what could have been and shake my head. Hell, at least he was happy...

  8. Anonymous5:41 PM

    love this topic. Hate Kate H. Good lord, can she sleep with more dudes????

  9. Anonymous9:31 PM

    worst wife: Gail Zappa - she has kept Frank's music from being played by anyone else other than dweezil, and alienated fans and ex - mothers alike.

    Best: Tom waits and Kathleen Brennan - we all thought when her name showed up on writing credits -- "Oh shit, another Yoko" were we wrong about that..

  10. No mention of Courtney Love? Whoa! At least Yoko didn't have John bumped off while she was off screwing Billy Corgan.