Friday, November 13, 2009

Triskaidekaphobia Totally Rocks

Doesn't that Post title sound like I'm hyping some band from the edge of obscuria? A fabulous Greek metal band I discovered while on a lovely drunken vacation on the fringe of Cyprus?  Nawww. I'm just obsessing on bad luck on this Friday evening the 13th of november. Been doing alot of watching the leaves rustling and staring straight hardcore into the land of would ofs and should ofs and quite possibly could ofs as I always do when I strap myself into the stocks and pillory and wait for one of my meth-ed out escaped alter egos to come and publicly cane me while shakily gripping a megaphone and broadcasting my impurities to the suburban white bread devourees that I've been falsifying around.

13 13 13 13 ..the 13th individual seated at the last supper was the one who betrayed Jesus...and that rings so chillingly, inexplicably parallel to my thoughts. On any given day I can think of 13 additional ways in which Jesus has betrayed me. "jesus" being whatever higher power I assign it to be. Jesus is 13 is Jesus is today.
Example 1:  all of my music has been minimized into files compressed into masquerading 1s and 0s. Portable, deviously inferior to any tactical real thing, safe and forgettable. I have acquired over 100 "albums" this year and gotten completely through 6 of them.
Example 2:  After all of my previous, scientifically musical family rock star planning, I witnessed my son dancing joyously to a fucking Miley Cyrus song in the alleyway of my kitchen last night, while my wife egged him on and called me a "hater" for not joining in. LOL LOL LMFAO LMFAO LOL LOL 666 LOL Burn me..just watch me burn...the flames with illuminate your sitcoms.
Example 3:  My obsession with an unanswered Craigslist ad(for a semi pro jam session) wielded no new responses, one blog comment from a friend I've never met 3k miles away, and wasted fuel for a thread that burns whether we read it or not. Flag me, Satan!
Example 4:  Slash...multi millionaire rock star from the 80s, has a new solo album coming out, went all Santana on us, and got Fergie to bless us with her tits(vocals) on a new version of Paradise City.Exorcise! REPENT!
Example 5:  Jesus made me forget that today was Neil Young's 64th birthday. I actually didn't know, but WTF..if I knew how to bake a cake, I'd bake one in the shape of Old Black and give out pieces to passing strangers on the cusp of picking up their dog's shit.
Example 6:  My relationship with Jesus has made me hype the probably fanfuckingtastic movie "It Might Get Loud" right here on this blog, but I've yet to see it. Betrayal and blasphemy. It came out in August. For three months I've been burning bushes. The Edge is on tour, but Jimmy and Jack are pissed.
Example 7: Bang Camaro is on Hiatus. Every single person in that band has a side project except for me. My side project is "bus driver/ass wiper".
Example 8:  Holidays persitantly arrive when I'm most angry and most broke and when family is most fractured. Deck the Halls with buckshot and blood stains. I've got no ipod playlist ready for that.
Example 9:  I'm convinced that I'm tailor made for inclusion into the higher echelon of the Illuminati. What would Jesus do? Where's a friendly and inclusive Black Metal band when you need 'em.?
Example 10: I cant grow a beard even close to the one jesus rocked, yet almost all of the bands I am currently heavily rotating are Beard- centric. Its a cruel joke played on me... the facially follically fucked.
Example 11: Jesus tricked me into making those chicken tenders in the corner of the freezer without taking the time(2 seconds) to read that they were breaded with COCONUT! COCONUT is the dandruff of the devil.!!! I am fucked! H1N1 would be a more welcome hors d' ourve well before coconut(beelzebub baby's breath)
Example 12: Jesus sneezes and leaves dust on my guitars whenever he feels like it. (BTW- don't tell him, but Jesus Sneezes is an awesome band name). I am forced into abandoned instrument guilt and into learning an F chord over and over in a repeating nightmare.
Example 13: Matchbox 20 minus Pearl Jam "Ten" equals (7 Mary) Three....or 13.     

Good luck to all of you.....but not today.

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