Award shows are easy to pick apart with a mix of confident guffaws and headscratching..but to me..they're exercise. There's a lot of aerobic activity..pacing, throwing snack items at the TV, writhing on the floor in pain(3 sets of 20) and lifting 12 oz. weights with pain and gain.
Last night's Grammy Awards were no different and I'm going to give you my summation in two parts: What I did see and what I didn't see. Let's start with what I didn't see:
I didn't see AC/DC win their first Grammy(best hard rock performance) beating out behemoths like Linkin Park and Nickelback.
I didn't see Neil Young win his first Grammy(for.. ahem...album packaging for his Archives Vol. 1 box set)
I didn't see Jeff Beck win his(best rock instrumental performance)
I didn't see Derek Trucks win his....I didn't see Judas Priest win theirs...I didn't see Brendan O'Brien win his....
I waited for Leonard Cohen and Loretta Lynn to come out on stage or to be be reached via simulcast when they won their Lifetime Achieve Awards that were given 15 seconds of attention...but I didn't see either one of them.
I didn't see any of that, and sadly...no, criminally...neither did you.
Here's what I did see....
I saw Lady Gaga and Elton John duet. One new queen of shock and one old queen of shock. Lady Gaga can play piano and wardrobe change very well. That's a fact.
I have been impressed with Gaga's methods of achieving fame. She never fails to be lively in appearance, outlandish, yes...calculated, yes. She manages to portray herself as one big question mark to her fans. She is heartfelt in interviews, yet rarely shows emotion in her eyes. She pokes fun at the whole concept of fame and is self- deprecating at the same time. Her music is bland and generic as dance pop music goes and at times, the images do not seem to fit the provided sounds. But I think she knows it..keeps twisting and tweaking her approach...and that is the most brilliant thing about her.She knows exactly what she's doing. And we don't.
I saw Green Day crawl backwards even further into rock's primordial soup with their canned Broadway/Idol number...awful..cheesy..I could hear their last puffs of credibility get wheezed out into the ether. PFSHHHHHHH!
I saw Beyounce keep her streak of award appearances going(11) with another one of her empowerment songs..complete with a dancing SWAT team....Beyounce is the "Oprah of Pop" in my opinion. Cmon..lets get that catchphrase out there, people!!!! She's an extremely powerful and heralded force in music(media) who preaches(in song) about things(bad relationships, self esteem, size issues) that have not and will not ever affect her while she sits on her white polar bear fur couch in an ivory tower eating bon bons and stroking Jay-Z's inflated ....ego even further.
I saw Pink prove that she was by far the best female singer of the evening.
I saw the Black Eyed Peas solidify themselves as the biggest farted-out farce in popular music in the last 30 years with another over produced (and heavily borrowed from Gaga's school of shock/schlock) performance. They steal, they re-introduce, they write lyrics only a 4th grader with average ebonic skills would appreciate..and its all one big loose stool of an act.
I saw Jamie Foxx finally hang up his acting career and trade it in for 3rd rate MC work layered in auto-tuned come- ons and club hyping. His shit show vomited out opera, a large woman looking like Missy Elliott's fat suit doppelganger who was introduced and did nothing, 117 uses for the word "Yeah", and Slash.(who I have now crowned the biggest whore in rock..they guy has been reduced to a caricature..a temporary tattoo..an ass pustule. )
I saw Lil Wayne, Eminem and a Chia pet- looking douchbag named Drake dig a deeper hole for all of the hip hop casualties to come... by picking a number that actually was censored so much that the length of dead space felt like technical difficulties. Whole chunks of vile, moronically auctioneered verses bleeped out...you could have fit a commercial break in there,no?
I saw 100 million Bon Jovi fans prove themselves wrong.
I saw Taylor Swift finally drop kick me over the edge. Her sweep made me realize that Grammy credibility is finally dead and buried and those golden Gramophones that they give out are no more valuable than a 4th place bowling trophy from Fairview Lanes summer bumper bowl league. They are a place to stick your gum, a mini- spittoon for lazy afternoons by the infinity pool.
Taylor Swift cannot sing. Taylor Swift writes songs for 'tweens in trailer parks and the last kids picked in gym class. Taylor Swift couldn't hold a note if it was implanted on her voice box. Taylor Swift should not have ever shared a stage with Stevie Nicks unless she was an assistant hired to tie her scarf to the mic or replenish her tea.
Taylor Swift wouldn't even get to go to Hollywood, Idol fans. She'd be cut from the gag reel. Sent back to the Pennsylvania open mic circuit from which she came. The 'tweens must be stopped at all costs. It starts today.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR, PEOPLE.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR.
I'm done here. I just felt a blood vessel burst someplace on my body.