Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Looking up at the Bottom Music

Its time to return to the subject I know best...Rock.

Earlier this year I started a Top 40 at 40 list of my favorite forty songs in forty years of listening. It was great fun, very passionate and all that crap.

I would like to do a list of the 40 songs that would never make my list in one hundred lifetimes..if I was reincarnated as a cluster of dirt on a farmer's boot...if I had the choice to listen to them in a row or have bird shit soup for lunch..Soup's On!...or if I really and truly was a multi-partisan lover of all music.....which I am postively not, and proudly will never be.

I'll split it up...5 per day over the next 8 or so days. I really want to hear from you on this one. There is no worst to first or vice versa. These are all equally covered in a pungent stench of suckitude.

1) Lollipop- Li'l Wayne- I try so hard to give the youth of today a chance, but they are beyond gone. This is the worst song by yet another lazy narcissist of a rapper whom the media(who gets these fucking jobs?) that is basically about Wayne getting a blowjob by some highly intelligent young woman with a dual major in Psychology and Physics....rrriiiigghhtt, make that a piece of ass backstage. LI LI LI LI LI Lick it like a a lollipop. Stupid gimmick (Prince did it first and wayyyy better with "Head")by a self proclaimed genius who couldn't find his way out of a blunt haze if he tried.

2)Be Good Johnny- Men at Work. Men At Work were the first band I ever hated. And the worst thing to come out of Australia before INXS and Nicole(get a fucking tan)Kidman. I never understood the novelty of 5 kooks from down under having hit records with dreck like "Down Under" which taught us all about Vegimite Sandwiches and shit lyrics.From what I hear, shit tastes better. Be Good Johnny hurt more because of Colin Hay's phlegmy tenor repeating" Be-Good, Be-good, Be good Be good be good be good be good be good, Johnny". I wanted to punch him so hard it would set his wonky eye back straight.

3)My Heart Will Go On(Titantic Theme)-Celine Dion- Wanna know why people are dying on cruise ships so often since 1997? Mysterious stories of people gone missing,blood found on the promenade deck, angry newlyweds tossing each other overboard? Its because this piece of feces is probably piped in all over the big boat to set some sort of romantic mood...and instead you get murder and mayhem, poisoned water and food and superviruses on the high seas. One of the most horrible Canucks of all time(right behind Shania)....Celine Dion.

4) Smooth-Santana(Featuring Rob Thomas)- Rob Thomas has the most ridiculous fake affect on his voice in all of music history..worse than Madonna's fake brit put through a vocoder on autotune. This Hack from Matchbox Twenty(they actually changed it from "20" to "Twenty") sounds like he's bringing up pus from his throat just in time to attach it to the beginning and end of every line in this song and every song he sings. "Or else forget about it" sound like "Whaoarrr Hels Faw ghettt Hubawwtyittt!" Douche to the tenth power. And as for Santana...hey Devadip, get another solo. I've heard this one in every song you've ever done. Your spiritual hats aint foolin me. There aint no Black Magic hair under there.

5)Clocks- Coldplay- Chris Martin...Hey,Chris Martin!...newsflash!...You have never been and never will be Bono.Even if you get Brian Eno to produce Viva La Vida. Your falsetto makes birds drop right out of trees and cats scatter....you know five piano chords and play them over and over again until I want to put my head through drywall and make my own window to jump out of. And you wear too much goofy shit on your wrists and fingers. Your wife is as tight as a baby's bumhole with the personality of a cheesecake.....enough already. I know what time it is,and my Clock says its half past over and done with.

Well...that felt good. A quick five today...got my rant out of the way and will now sleep soundly. Hope to hear from you love, Seano

3 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:40 PM

    Now thats the Seano I know and Love!!!
    How about White Lion?They Rock!?
    BATHROOM!!

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  2. Brenda9:51 PM

    OMG! You are too funny - I love the pictures you drum up about how the songs make you feel! This is so much more like the Sean I'm used to. I felt like I was 16 again in the Farmview basement! Looking forward to the next 35.

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  3. Anonymous9:06 PM

    I remember what you felt like when you were 16-OMG!!!!

    ReplyDelete