Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Never Ever List (cont.)

I've been on an emotional bender as of before the bend breaks I better get back to the snarky sarcastic side of my psyche just to keep myself in check before I become a weepy mess.

Lets continue with my Never Ever List of songs that are the farthest thing from my top 40 favorites as humanly possible..... These five songs showcase some of my least favorite vocalists of all time.

16) The Cure- Friday I'm in Love: Robert Smith is a big fat crybaby with make-up on. Make-up that he applied in the dark while his tongue was in a wall socket. His whiny voice makes every hair on my body stand up like a cat that's about to be hosed down. Guys who are over 40 and putting make up on every day and whining about some girl they met at some GOTHCON somewhere make me want to get my paint sprayer out and completely white out their world. Guys who are just about 50 and put make-up on every day and are not in a Broadway production or a circus should be held under water until the bubbles stop.

17)Bjork- Its Oh So Quiet: I wish it was....I really do. Please tell me again what a genius Bjork everything she does is a beautiful well executed her voice sounds like nobody else's...Now I could say the same thing about fucking Tiny Tim....and I could actually understand Tiny Tim. Every song Bjork blurts out sounds like a flock of birds on barbituates that crash into sliding glass doors and fall unconscious. Not one of her songs has a pattern, melody, chorus or hook that I care to have anything to do with. I hear Iceland is beautiful, not many people there because Bjork clears them all out every time she gets behind a mic.

18)Aimee Mann-One (from the soundtrack to Magnolia):Keep it down now,wayyy down, Aimee voices carry. This song will carry you over a cliff... Everything is dull about her. Dull songs, dull voice,dull deliery, dull soundtrack, dull movie . Three Dog Nights version wasn't broke....why did you have to get your dreary tool box out and try to fix it.

19)Hootie and the Blowfish- I Only Wanna Be With You: Darius gets no whiter than Darius Rucker...Izods and Acoustics...frat chords and golf carts and that faux Eddie Vedder drawl that 500 bands played off of in the early 90s. He wants to be white so bad that he now has a COUNTRY song climbing the hayseed charts.It would be cool if he could combine FORE! with YEEHAWW! As if 14 million simple baseball cap khaki wearin' people who bought Cracked Rear View wasn't he's going for the lowest of the lowest common fans. Grand Ole Opry is next Darius, docksiders-off, boots on!

20)Linkin Park- In the End: I want the 20 million or so assholes who bought Linkin Parks albums to leave the bowling alley or mall for just one second and think about what you've done. OK, now go on back inside and get your Orange Julius and Abercrombie. Thank you for showing me what you look like so I'm prepared for the next time I read about a mall massacre. White Boy Rap plus White Boy whine and wince with added autotuned scream equals the end of civilization as we know it. I'd rather listen to Lawrence Welk on a loop while tied to a chair and kept awake for days with amphetamines and Mountain Dew.

OK, now back to your regularly scheduled brooding....

1 comment:

  1. I hear ya. I agree on all those. and lets not forget the dudes from Slaughter and Buckcherry - horrible.