I am amazed at the spin cycle of my sickness and health in the last 24 hours. In one moment I was on a train trying to take a migraine pill without water. It got stuck(first time in my 40 years this has ever happened)and I came close to choking. I asked several complete strangers for water in a frantic knotted voice that came out sounding like it was filtered thru an emphesema kazoo.
Besides that, the pill didn't work and I spent the next 16 hours living in an endless and airless chamber of head pain.Lay there and wait head pain. Miss out on life and let your shit thoughts win head pain... I have a metallic taste in my mouth that has been present for days. I did frantically eat a chocolate bar but don't remember engulfing the surrounding foil as well. My ear hurts..going on 40 years now and it affects everything negatively except my selective hearing (which comes in handy in the throes of an arguement).My eaustacean tube does not drain correctly and every time I get a cold...I get an ear infection. then I get congested and I can't sing. I am constantly wracked with fatigue, rebelliously out of shape(two flights of stairs and I'm huffing it)...and when not addicted to pale ales, the fabulosity of refined sugar does the trick just as well, if not better.
I am sad and lazy and when I'm not one, I'm the other. I keep waiting to be inspired into action by my sister's courageous journey.(fire up that excuse drumroll)...and I know the only one who can do something about it is me.
People, its time for a change..and what's a better time for change than resolution season?! I know the stats...80 percent of all resolutions fail...but even if I just hit the one out of the FIVE that I've chosen. It would be an improvement over 2008.
Here's my list..
1) To My Health- I know your in there, hiding behind muffin tops and the dark clouds of my thoughts. I know you are waiting for me to raise my heart rate in any other way but anxiety. I have cheated on you, but I'm going to win you back.. I hear you pounding away at the steel cage of doubt, fear anger and pain that house both my heart and head. Here I come. I'm going to let you in now.
2) To My Ambition- I see you waving at me from the south side of my psyche, shouting out dirty words like potential and talent. I see you hindered by my lack of health and focus. You make me so mad..you spit on me with missed opportunities that I dwell on for ages. I'm coming for you too. I'm going to seek until I find what makes me tick and what makes it stick.
3) To My Music- To the one that keeps getting away, the laurels I rest my riffs on. The releases that never happened, the tracks that lay dormant on a dusty hard drive, the barre chord barrier that stops my progress,the cover bands that lure me in and steal my time with the promise of a pay day...you can all go piss up a power chord. I'm stealing you back. I've got the voice, the wordiness and the fucking basement to back it up! I'm bringing three chords and the truth down to meet Dylan's Mister Jones.! I'm headin' out to the highway, I've got nothing to lose at all! I'm gonna take a look around see which way the wind blow! I'll take a quiet life and a handshake....I'm in the mood for a melody,I'm in the mood for a melody, I'm in the mood!
4) To My Words- I have left you at the crossroads before..for almost five years...no story, lyric, journal, poem...nuthin'. I'm rusty...and this blog is my stretch before the marathon...this is where I build my verbal muscle, sprint off into reviews, song, even a screenplay. I will pace myself, learn the craft and stop sucking wind criticizing from the couch. I will use you up...lose you to the best of my ability.
5) To My Family- I am in here somewhere...thank you for letting me know. I'm going to wriggle out of this skin in 2009 and let the sun burn the ghost right out of me. You'll see it burn off like steaming asphalt on a hot day in the suburbs. I hope to make you smile and think from me this time....give yourselves a rest.
I also hope to make new friends in the blogosphere, re-name this blog, learn how to tie a tie, design a website, tile a bathroom, build a jam room, grow some lillies, lose all reality TV, embrace more greens, convene all of the cousins, go on bike rides, teach my boy how to sing, write my sister's book, read the camera manual, teach the cat to stay off of the table,make it easier for my wife to embrace the basement and love all music and all people.........well, 16 out of 17 ain't bad......Happy New Year.